


those who have shattered the stars

by ephemeral_vitality



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drugs, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Markbum, Mental Health Issues, Poetry, Possessive Im Jaebum | JB, Sleep disorders, Smut, Two Storylines, but there's some in literally the second chapter so is it rly eventual, jinson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-02-23 06:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13184619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeral_vitality/pseuds/ephemeral_vitality
Summary: Mark is an aspiring neurologist who attends Columbia University with his best friends and roommates, Yugyeom, Youngjae, and Bambam. When Yugyeom gets some of them to work in an underground drug operation with him, Mark quickly realizes that his participation means running the very probable risk of seeing his hard-to-attain dreams shatter right in front of him.What if he gets arrested? There goes his future medical license. What if he gets expelled? There goes his PhD. What if he finds himself falling for Im Jaebum, the charming boss of the drug scene? There goes every rational thought he's ever had.Jinyoung is a student at Columbia who lives with his boyfriend, Jackson, a police chief. Due to his inability to stay awake during the day, he was prescribed Adderall. Later on, however, he finds himself needing more than just his daily 20mg in order to be as happy and confident as he used to. Despite Jackson's worries, Jinyoung doesn't tell him about the growing dependency.These two boys have dreams they are on the path to achieving. The events described are going to make that path a lot more difficult.





	1. 0.1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my very first story! well, my very first published story. this is a markbum/jinson story, but some other relationships are briefly explored. i have lots of ideas for this story. usually, i write a story in advance and then i plan to post it but i chicken out, which means i'll post this story as i write it. however, that means that the updates may be infrequent and inconsistent so bear with me! thanks so much for reading!
> 
> also, this is like home run era/fly era got7 because they had rockin' hairstyles lol

"Alright, man. I really hope you got what it takes for this," Yugyeom said to Mark as they drove through the New York streets late one night. Mark felt sick, he kept replaying the events that led to that fateful ride in the luxurious black Lincoln.

-

_"Christ, Yugyeom, what the fuck are you **thinking**?" Mark asked his roommate in a disappointed yell as he paced around the dorm's living room. "Are you fucking serious? You're selling coke? This shit tears families apart, man, it  **kills**  people!"_

_"I know, but, I can't keep living like this, I wanna eat, man!" Yugyeom shouted back, causing Youngjae to come out of his room, hair messy and curled over his forehead as a result of his intense study session._

_"What's going on here?" Bambam said, coming out of Youngjae's room after him._

_"Tell them," Mark said sternly. His eyes darted angrily from Yugyeom to the two confused boys._

_"I'm a drug dealer," Yugyeom admitted, and Youngjae's scoffing laugh resonated through the dorm._

_"Wait, you're serious?" He gasped as Bambam massaged his forehead._

_"Yes, but hear me out, this is my only way to survive college," Yugyeom said._

_"Survive? Mark and I have been here for years, we're doing fine," Youngjae said from his door._

_"Really, is that why you're rooming with two freshmen?" Yugyeom shot back._

_"What the **fuck**? That was a choice that I'd never make again!" Mark shouted, launching himself at the younger boy, who fell back onto the couch with a scream. Bambam was quick on his feet to intervene as Youngjae sat on the floor, sighing deeply._

_"Mark, calm down, he has a point!" Bambam screamed, causing the eldest boy to turn on him, pulling Bambam's dark hair and causing him to shout._

_"Point? What point? We go to Columbia fucking University, that bullshit has no place in an Ivy League," he grunted as he climbed on top of Bambam. "Suffer for four years, but your degree will ensure that you'll be loaded once they're over."_

_"Easy for you to say, Mr. Neuroscience," Bambam yelled from the ground as Mark held him down. "Yugyeom's a Dance major, I'm a Film major, for Christ's sake."_

_"Youngjae, you would be great at selling drugs, by the way, and trust me, you're gonna need that money with your English major," Yugyeom shouted over the back of the brown leather couch. Youngjae didn't look up from his heavily annotated copy of Walden as Mark got off of Bambam and back to Yugyeom for a beat-down._

**Two Months Later**

_"Oh my go-" Mark squeaked, staring at the hospital bill in his hands. "What the f-" his throat gave out with each sentence he spoke, in disbelief that the removal of two tonsils and some pain meds could cost so much. He let the paper slip from his fingers and heard it float to the linoleum hospital floor. Youngjae sighed as he picked it up._

_"I would've told you to save up, but that severe case of strep was pretty sudden," he muttered, looking at the debt that was piling up for his friend. "And to think, this hospital is troubling one of it's greatest future neurologists this way." Mark smiled in appreciation at Youngjae's attempt to cheer him up before his attention was suddenly taken to the door of his hospital room. Bambam burst in with a giant vase of flowers and a teddy bear, Yugyeom trailing behind with a box of popsicles and a bundle of get well soon balloons._

_Mark sighed when he noticed Bambam's newest Gucci jacket, courtesy of his introduction to Yugyeom's drug business._

_The four boys got to talking- well, three boys, while Mark nodded and made noises when he could- about what Mark was to do next. Yugyeom, who was snooping in the bathroom in Mark's room, took the bottle of Vicodin from the cabinet._

_"You could totally sell this," he gasped, shaking the pills. Mark began to stand up in his bed, dragging his I.V. across the floor before Bambam and Youngjae put him back down._

_"I'll fight you," Mark wheezed in a weak voice, trying not to cause himself too much pain._

**Three Days Later**

_Yugyeom was sitting on the rooftop of the dorms, overlooking the city. Mark quietly came up the stairs, two warm teas in his hands. The younger turned around at his footsteps and smiled._

_"Oh, hi, Mark," he cheerfully greeted his friend, who gave a small grin back. Yugyeom took off his jacket and draped it over Mark, seeing that the older boy only had a sweater on and was still recovering from the operation. Mark felt his heart sink at the gesture, regretting how rude he always found himself being to Yugyeom. In his defense, Yugyeom was a drug dealer- but that defense was about to become invalid._

_"Yug," Mark sighed. "Don't start off with some 'I told you so' shit after I say what I'm about to say," he said, handing Yugyeom a cup of tea as he set his own cup down on the rooftop table._

_"You want a job," Yugyeom immediately concluded, to Mark's shock. "But I never expected you to take me up on the offer, really."_

_Mark didn't say anything, he just looked deep in thought, feeling defeated. He watched as Yugyeom placed his mug down on the table, as well._

_"I'm gonna be a doctor..." the older whispered in an uncertain voice. "but that's still so long, I still have so much school to finish, and I can't even afford to get sick."_

_Yugyeom nodded in a knowing manner. "This can help make it easier, Mark."_

_"But- I'm going to be a doctor, Yug. A Columbia-educated doctor, where's my honor, m-my dignity? I don't-" he hiccuped, his words drying up in his throat as tears began to surface. "I don't want to be a part of this. I know how lightheartedly you look at it, like it's just easy cash, but people **die**  because of this. I'm studying to prevent death, but oh, god- it feels like I don't have a choice," Mark felt his tears fall down, which caused him to start bawling, wrapping himself up in Yugyeom's jacket._

_"Shh, it's okay," Yugyeom whispered, suddenly embracing Mark, stroking his hair as he cried into the younger's chest. "I won't let them make you do anything you don't feel comfortable with. I'll make it as easy as I can, I promise."_

_Mark nodded through his tears, feeling the cloth of Yugyeom's shirt become damp, wrapping his arms around his friend's waist._

_-_

"You'll start off with the basic stuff, they won't let you do too much on your first day so you'll probably just have to assassinate two or three rival drug lords," Yugyeom sighed, causing Mark to look at him worriedly. "Kidding," the younger said, coming up to a red light. Mark closed his eyes, reflecting on his life, what his mom would think. He looked at Yugyeom driving so calmly, but he flinched when his friend's right hand travelled off of the steering wheel and onto his thigh to try and calm him down. Mark's sweaty hand rested on his, causing him to grimace but not to pull away. "I know you're nervous."

Mark nodded, focusing on Yugyeom's face. Yugyeom went into this blind, and he was so much younger than Mark when he started. Mark began to wish that somehow he could've been there for him.

They arrived at a nightclub far more quickly than Mark had anticipated, considering it was the prime time for Friday night traffic in Manhattan, crawling with those seeking a party or two. Yugyeom walked in, Mark trailing behind him, reaching his hand back for Mark to take as they started to weave through the crowds.

"This has to be a fire hazard of some kind," Mark muttered, noting the overabundance of people. Yugyeom brought him to the bar, and the bartender recognized Yugyeom instantly, leaving his station to lead them to a door in the back. He stopped when he saw Mark, who was nervously hiding behind Yugyeom.

"It's Mark," Yugyeom said, and the bartender was relaxed again, letting them into a long, dark hallway.

"Good luck in there, kid," the bartender said, slapping Mark on the back. Two men were waiting at the end of the hallway, and Yugyeom turned to Mark.

"Alright, this is it. Meet me back here at 3AM. Don't do anything you don't want to, most of the time they're just trying to test the waters with how much of a pushover someone is. I told 'em to go easy on you," Yugyeom smiled, brushing Mark's light-colored hair from his eyes. He went up a staircase behind him, and then he was gone. Mark turned to the two men and chuckled sheepishly.

"If you would please go to the third room on the right," one of them pointed down another corridor with several doors and decorations. "You should wait for someone to come in and give you the first job."

Mark began walking, but stopped once he was at the room he was told to go to. He could hear an argument taking place. Carefully, he took a peek through the small glass window of the slightly ajar door. He could see a guy his age in a suit, leaning over a large conference table and having an intense discussion with one other man, who looked fearful.

"What the fuck do you  _mean_ , he's fucking dead?!" The man in the suit screamed, running his hands through his hair.

"He...overdosed on his friend's fucking supply, shit, Jaebum, I can't control what the fuck he does!" This remark caused the guy in the suit to grab his companion's collar in anger.

"Did you just fucking cuss at me?" Jaebum whispered, but it was so sharp and angry that Mark could still hear it- hell, that Mark could still  _feel_  it- the asperity was so prominent that he felt the words dancing on his skin. Jaebum angrily sighed, shoving the other man back in his chair. "Find another one. It could be a goddamn kindergartner, for all I care," he turned and began walking towards the door, causing Mark to back up and freeze in place. 

Jaebum exited the room and looked up from his feet upon realizing that someone was there. Mark bit his bottom lip, scared. Jaebum's eyes had dark circles, his lips slightly chapped, his eyebrows furrowed in anger. He looked at Mark from head to toe, and with a few blinks of his eyes, Jaebum's face softened. He didn't look so intimidating then, as he just observed Mark for a few seconds. When Mark was about to utter a greeting, Jaebum suddenly walked away towards the two men Mark had initially gone to.  

Mark shyly walked into the room to see the man with his face in his hands. He looked up to greet Mark, looking pissed. Suddenly, however, the man smiled, jumping up and grabbing Mark's shoulders. 

"Mark, Yugyeom's friend!" He exclaimed. "Oh, thank god, I have a job for you! Yugyeom said he didn't want you selling drugs, this is perfect."

Mark was then taken out of the room and into an elevator, then down several hallways and lobbies. How big  _was_  this nightclub? The man led him to a large set of double doors reading "Im Jaebum," the name of the angry man from before. The doors opened to show a giant office, and Jaebum sitting at a large desk, looking over some papers. Jaebum looked up at the sound of the two guys walking in. 

"How could I have guessed it would be him," he sighed under his breath. "You, stay," he pointed to Mark without looking up from his papers. "Rob, get the hell out of here, I can't bear to see your face any longer."

Rob nodded eagerly and left, Jaebum looking up to glare at the back of his head. 

"Why do I pay him so damn well?" He wondered out loud, finally looking back up at Mark, who nervously played with the hem of his oversized sweater. "Do you happen to have a name? Or a voice, perhaps?"

"I'm Mark," he said timidly, pushing his glasses up on his nose, causing Jaebum to scoff with a bright smirk.

"Okay, Mark, tell me a little bit about yourself," Jaebum wrote something down on a piece of paper as he spoke. 

"I'm 23, I'm a Neuroscience major at Columbia University-"

"Ah, Columbia, I gathered that you were an Ivy little thing," Jaebum said, suddenly strolling towards Mark, brushing his fingers over the collar of the button-up shirt under Mark's sweater. He circled Mark slowly, speaking into his ear. "And neuroscience, _really_?" Jaebum's interest was interpreted as sarcasm by Mark. "You must be really smart." 

Mark shuddered as he felt Jaebum's hot breath on his ear and neck. 

" _Are you?_ " Jaebum's low voice echoed in Mark's ears as he felt slender fingers brush up his neck, towards his reddening, hot cheeks. Mark could only nod once, he couldn't speak because he was afraid to show how flustered he was. "Columbia, I actually attended for a couple of years. Psychology. Turns out, this was a little more my style instead. You think that's what's gonna happen to you? You gonna give up some fucking neurons for a victorious life?" He taunted, watching how Mark's face grew angrier. 

"No," Mark simply declared. "I'm doing this to make it easier to become a neurologist."

"Okay, okay, I believe you," Jaebum laughed smoothly. His smile disappeared all of a sudden. "I'm fucking with you kid, I don't give a shit what you say or do, just do your job and stay the fuck out of trouble," he let his hand fall off of Mark's shoulder before walking back to sit behind his desk. Mark's confused eyes tracked his movements. 

"And...what would my job  _be_ , exactly?"

Jaebum sighed in annoyance, staring at the door.

"He couldn't even tell you what you had to do? Goddamn," he turned back to Mark. "Your job will be directly under me. Don't think that gives you any power here, I normally wouldn't assign this to such a new person. You're my eyes and ears. I'm suspecting that some of the runners are stealing the supply. I get it, shit happens if the feds show up and you gotta dump the shit. But it's been happening far too often. So I'm gonna need you to go out and just keep an eye on some of our sellers, I can give you a list of their names and selling locations," Jaebum stood up and walked to a cabinet to retrieve a folder. "You can do this secretly or you can tell the sellers that you're gonna tag along to assess them. I'll pay you a couple thousand each time. You got it?"

"Y-yeah," Mark stuttered. Jaebum stared out of the blinds on the big window, admiring the city lights. His hand dropped, and he found himself staring blankly at the black blinds.

"Hey," he said gently, catching Mark off guard as he turned to face him. "Keep your distance from me, alright?"

"Yes, sir."

At 3AM, Mark and Yugyeom met at the entrance of the...office? Lair? Mark didn't know what to call it. Yugyeom gave Mark a reassuring smile on their way back to Yugyeom's car. The ride back was calming, and Mark even felt comfortable enough to feel himself drift off for a few minutes, thinking about the tour of the facility he received from Jaebum, how he saw all the different people and parts of the operation. 

He fluttered his eyes open as Yugyeom drove past someone who was pulled over, the blue police lights blinding him in his groggy state. He sat upright abruptly, feeling an intense fear of the cops. Yugyeom laughed. 

"You learn to get used to it," he said. "Besides, you're not a full-on dealer, I made sure of that. But, which job did they give you?" 

"Uh...Jaebum said I was his eyes and ears. I need to watch the dealers just in case they steal."

"You're  _what_?" Yugyeom gasped, almost running a red light. "Mark, that's great! Very odd that you were assigned that on your first day, but that's still awesome!" 

"The guy before me died suddenly, and I just happened to be there," Mark explained.

"Ah, damn, Todd died? I wouldn't be surprised if it was Jaebum who killed him. Probably ate him alive."

Mark could only let out a chuckle as he rolled his eyes. 

The two boys later arrived at the dorms, trying to enter their room as quietly as possible as to not wake Bambam and Youngjae up. Mark tiptoed into his room, Yugyeom heading to his and Bambam's. 

"Yug, wait-" he said, grabbing his friend's wrist and causing him to look over his shoulder. "Thank you for everything. For the job, and for looking out for me, and for trying to make it as easy as possible for me. I don't know what's gonna happen to me, but just know I'll always be thankful."

"It's no problem. Seriously, what kind of friend would I be if I didn't help you out? Look, just take your time and just do well. Stop as soon as you get too unhappy. You got this. Goodnight," Yugyeom said, and Mark pulled him close for a brief hug before heading back to his bedroom.


	2. 0.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung and jackson are introduced here, in a way that shows their relationship fairly well, a small link from jinson to the other boys is made through youngjae, and the start of jinyoung's problems is shown. jackson deals with a difficult day at work.
> 
> there's smut. literally right in the beginning. ok.
> 
> (SEE NOTES FOR TRIGGER WARNING)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a pretty short chapter but i'll definitely add more to the jinson storyline later!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: especially due to the heartbreaking jonghyun situation, i am warning you that this chapter includes the death of a guest idol. for those of you who know absolutely all the (publicly released) details of jjong's incident, there's a part of this character's death that is slightly reminiscent of it.
> 
> TW for not only that, but for an overdose death, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse. 
> 
> i have included a warning before that part begins, and a spot where it's safe for you to read.
> 
> to understand the events after, basically jackson had to deal with an overdose death at work and is shaken up after it.

"Fuck-" Jackson grunted, letting his forehead drop on Jinyoung's arched back, leaving hot kisses all over the soft skin. "Jinyoungie..." Jinyoung emitted countless breathy moans from below him, sucking on the fingers in his mouth. 

"Jackson," Jinyoung breathed as Jackson thrusted into him a couple of final times, making him squirm with pleasure. Jinyoung allowed Jackson to pull out and flip him onto his back, helping Jinyoung clean up. "Ah-" he moaned, feeling the older's lips around him, and his tongue traveling down to Jinyoung's hot entrance, gathering all of the remaining fluid. Jinyoung returned the favor before Jackson zipped up his navy blue pants, putting on his belt and his hat as he got off of the bed. Jinyoung sighed as he stared at the handcuffs dangling off of Jackson's belt. 

"I know, baby," Jackson said with a pout, stroking Jinyoung's hair. "We'll use 'em tonight." He bent down to kiss his boyfriend goodbye, grateful that he knew how to spend his lunch breaks. Jinyoung went into the shower after Jackson left, staring blankly at the shower wall. He sighed, realizing how upset he seemed whenever Jackson wasn't around. He then yawned at the thought of his upcoming 12:30PM class, remembering that he needed to take his pills to prevent falling asleep in the middle of it. After he was done, he walked to the medicine cabinet and removed the bottle of Adderall, taking a small blue pill out and swallowing it. He stared at the bottle for a little while before closing it and putting it back. 

On the subway ride from their apartment to Columbia, Jinyoung looked only at his feet. It had been a couple of months since he began taking the medication, but he could feel that its effect was somehow different. It kept him awake and focused, but he didn't become any more confident or active like he used to when he first began taking it. He didn't want to admit that he was forming a dependency, but he sure feared that. 

He walked from the station to school, narrowly making his way through the groups of students. Upon his entrance to his American Literature class, he smiled and waved at his classmate Youngjae, who, as always, saved him a seat. They discussed the current book that the class was assigned, and the similarities between the characters and the people in their lives. Jinyoung talked about Jackson, and Youngjae mentioned Bambam. 

"Yeah, he's kind of annoying, but he's my good friend, you should totally meet him sometime," Youngjae smiled brightly. Jinyoung nodded in agreement before looking at the writing assignment on the projection screen.

That night, just before Jackson was supposed to go home, his police team received an urgent case taking place in an apartment building. He and his team quickly prepared, and after sending Jinyoung a quick text, he was off. 

The police squad were the first to arrive at the scene, where they saw a nervous young girl pacing around in her pajamas, tears streaming down her face. She ran and buried her face in Jackson's chest, shaking violently with her sobs. 

 

**TRIGGER WARNING START**

 

"M-my name is Jennie, I can't get into my best friend's bedroom and she hasn't responded for a long time, please-" she hiccuped and began coughing as her tears fell. "Please, her name's Lisa, she's only 20 years old, s-she's the best person ever, she's everything to me, so, sir, please..." Jackson prepared for the worst as he gently grabbed Jennie's shoulders to move her aside and tell her to show his team where her friend was. Jennie rushed up the stairs of the complex, stopping at the third floor and running into their still-open door. She pointed to Lisa's bedroom door with a shaky hand.

"Okay, an ambulance is on its way, Jennie. We're going to work on getting her out of the room now," Jackson said, nodding at his colleagues as they rushed to get the door open forcibly. Jennie nodded, letting some unrestrained bawls out by accident. 

"S-she's been so stressed lately, she's been drinking..." Jennie whispered shakily as she led Jackson to the bathroom, to the open medicine cabinet. Jennie reached up and took out a half-empty bottle of what Jackson could identify as Xanax. The bottle was rattling because of Jennie's unstable hands. "She has such bad anxiety, and this stopped being as effective as it used to, so she's been taking two instead of just one, but she just got this refilled three days ago- s-so-" she stopped talking, letting her tears fall as she bit her bottom lip.

Jackson nodded, gulping back a lump in his throat, because he could tell that Jennie knew, just like he did. The sound of Lisa's door being broken open echoed through his body, and Jennie's heart-wrenching scream made his breathing nearly stop. Jennie ran out of the bathroom upon seeing Lisa being carried out of her room, her body limp in the officer's arms. Paramedics rushed through the front door, and Jackson quickly restrained Jennie as she tried to get to Lisa's blue-tinted body, devoid of all healthy color. Jackson closed his eyes and tried hard to block out Jennie's desperate screams as she struggled out of his grasp. He fell to a kneeling position as she ran to her friend, violently rubbing his face in distress.

"L-Lisa," Jennie breathed at her side while paramedics worked on finding a pulse. "Oh, God- oh _God_ , Lisa," Jennie brushed her fingers over Lisa's blue lips, through her hair, over her cold skin.

"No pulse," a paramedic announced quietly, causing Jennie to look up, shaking her head in disbelief. "I'm...so sorry, Miss."

"I should have been there, I should have gotten help...oh God, I love you. I love you, please don't go."

 

**TRIGGER WARNING END**

 

Jinyoung sat at his desk, looking out of the apartment window and admiring the city lights. He snapped his attention back to his work for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. Pensively, he finished the final few lines on his essay and printed it out, retrieving it from the printer and putting it in his now-full 'finished' basket. He looked at his watch. 

_10PM. I had been able to finish by 6 before._

He looked around, and began pacing slowly, remembering how he could pace at a high speed for hours and not stop. 

"This is fucking stupid," he sighed in frustration, sitting on the bed. "Get a hold of yourself."

Jackson gripped the steering wheel of his car tighter as he replayed the night's events in his head, turning up the radio to distract himself from the memory of Jennie's pained crying. He'd seen so much worse than a college student overdosing, so why was this the incident that had such a big effect on him? Why did he feel like it was somehow related to him? 

He wasted no time in going to the apartment, removing his hat and jacket on the way. Jackson opened the unlocked door and spotted Jinyoung sitting on the kitchen counter. The younger instantly looked up, and Jackson dropped his belongings,rushing to Jinyoung's spot on the counter without taking his shoes off. Jinyoung noticed Jackson's mood, hugging him close between his legs. It was only then that Jackson realized how hard he was shaking, not able to be comforted by even Jinyoung as he gently kissed Jackson's forehead and stroked his hair. 

"You mean so much to me. I love you so much, Jinyoungie. If anything happened to you...what would I do?" Jackson whispered, trying to prevent imminent tears from falling. He put his face on Jinyoung's shoulder and took deep breaths. Jinyoung didn't know what was going on, but he didn't have to know, he was always able to make Jackson feel better no matter what the situation was. Jinyoung couldn't help but let a few tears shed at Jackson's terribly fruitless attempt to stay strong.

"I love you, Jackson."

"So please...stay safe. Stay safe forever." 

"I...I will," Jinyoung whispered. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so hard for me to write ugh. lisa's death, to me, is accidental, but it does seem kind of intentional so you can interpret it that way if you want. ugh this was like...a LOT lmao


	3. 0.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark's first mission happens, but an unfortunate accident leaves yugyeom and bambam out of the equation for the night. mark realizes there's more to the job than he bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg also here's another warning: there's lots of swears in this lol a little late to mention but still!

Mark drove to the nightclub, looking at the directions in Yugyeom's Lincoln. He sighed in frustration, upset that he and Bambam couldn't have gone with him, especially on the first day that he was to do something at the facility. 

_"Often times, man finds himself in a position where he's so detached from the world into which he was born-" Youngjae stopped talking when Bambam threw a decorative pillow at his head, knocking Henry David Thoreau straight out of his hands. Youngjae adjusted his glasses from his spot standing on his desk, glaring at Bambam._

_"This is your fault," Bambam said angrily._

_"Opening a window is not a crime," Youngjae retorted, and Bambam scoffed in response._

_"It should be, if it lets a wild squirrel into your room!"_

_The two boys screamed when they heard the furry creature scratching something underneath Youngjae's bed._

_"You wouldn't even be involved here if you didn't spend so much time annoying me in my own room!"_

_"You take that back!" Bambam shouted from his spot on Youngjae's dresser. The squirrel came out from under Youngjae's bed, startling the both of them. In his panic, Bambam took a half-full glass of water off of the dresser and poured it on the squirrel. Youngjae screamed in protest, because in addition to being confused about the sudden change in environment, the squirrel was now most likely enraged._

_Unaware of the ongoing insanity happening in Youngjae's room, Yugyeom entered the dorm, setting his water bottle and towel down on the counter after his morning class. He looked around for Youngjae, whose class was starting in an hour._

_"Where is everyone?"_

_He knocked before opening the door to Youngjae's room, and instead of being greeted by his friends, he was greeted by a sharp pain to his upper thigh. He looked down to see a wet squirrel latching onto him, its attack made easier by the thin material of the sweatpants that he wore to dance class. He didn't even have time to scream because he was too confused about the two boys standing on top of Youngjae's furniture and screaming their heads off._

_"Oh, hell no you won't!" Bambam shouted, seeing his best friend being attacked. He jumped off of the dresser, grabbing the squirrel and pulling it off of Yugyeom, causing a yelp to come from the younger boy. The squirrel shook violently before turning on Bambam, biting his throat as he screeched. Youngjae tried to help by throwing pillows. Bambam rushed and threw the squirrel into the tree right outside of Youngjae's window, shutting it quickly before clutching his throat. "Fuck, that squirrel is crazier than Mark." He turned to Yugyeom, who was screaming on the floor and being treated by Youngjae. Mark burst through the door in his underwear, his hair disheveled after a long night of doing research._

_"What...the fuck?"_

"I can't believe Bambam didn't even know what a fucking tetanus shot even was," Mark grumbled under his breath, steering smoothly into the narrow parking space near the club. He navigated the area without a problem, making his way to Jaebum's office. The dark-haired man sat at his desk, drinking a glass of whiskey. He gestured for Mark to sit, finding a folder and handing it to him on a conference table in the corner of the office.

"Your first job is to watch this seller. He's this fresh out of college type of deal. He's supposed to sell to..." Jaebum flipped through a couple papers before finding a picture and showing it to Mark. "...this girl. The details of how much he should leave with are in here," he showed Mark a piece of paper detailing the drug in question. Mark's eyes widened as he read over the paper. Jaebum stood up from his chair across from Mark and went back to his desk, but Mark's voice stopped him.

"E-Excuse me," Mark said. When Jaebum looked at him with an annoyed face, Mark bit his lip nervously. "I...don't know what 400 grams of cocaine looks like." Jaebum's face softened instantly, and he cleared his throat before shaking his head and scoffing. 

"Go fucking figure, huh?" Jaebum chuckled in almost disbelief, opening a drawer and getting out a small bag. "Four of these."

"Do you not keep your drugs in here?" Mark asked, looking around. 

"Do you not mind your own business?" Jaebum shot back, and Mark nervously adjusted his glasses. 

"...Sorry."

"I don't do that shit. I'm not looking for a death wish, I'm looking to make money. Phone," Jaebum held his hand out as Mark unlocked his phone and handed it to him. Jaebum smirked, looking up from the screen. "Didn’t know you and that Yugyeom were so close," he mused, reading Yugyeom's text message. He typed his contact information quickly, handing the device back to Mark. "Alright, now get a fuckin' move on, the deal's in half an hour. Wait it out at the street I gave you, you should see him complete the deal and report back to me immediately." 

Mark held the obtained files on his lap and across the Lincoln steering wheel, peeking over the top of the folder. He stared at the street corner, and gasped when he saw the mentioned woman come and sit on a bench. He waited until the dealer came, holding the same duffel bag Mark saw him leave the nightclub with. The girl, as inconspicuously as possible, removed each bag and looked over them. Mark counted all four bags as she moved them around to gauge their weight. He sent Jaebum a text as the girl put the cocaine into her own backpack, handing the dealer her money. As she walked off, Mark began to drive back to the club to avoid a run-in with the dealer. 

As he walked towards Jaebum's office, he checked the time. Only an hour had passed, and Mark felt content. All that money for an hour of work? Rob stopped Mark on his way into Jaebum's office.

"I'd suggest you don't go in there right now," the older man sighed. Mark hesitated for a moment before nodding. He waited until Rob was out of sight before proceeding. 

_I'm not leaving without my money._

Mark slowly opened the door to the office to see Jaebum sitting alone at the conference table, his desk left idle and covered in papers. Discarded soju bottles littered the conference table, a whiskey bottle with a couple sips left was on the ground. Jaebum's blazer was draped over the chair he sat in, his tie loosened, and his head in his hands. In his right hand was a cigarette, but Mark could recognize it as marijuana from the scent-he was, after all, a college student. 

Jaebum took a long drag of the joint, exhaling deeply. He heard Mark enter and stood up, instantly pushing Mark into one of the pillars in the office, putting his left hand against the surface behind Mark as he smoked with his right. He turned his face to the side to expel the smoke before turning back to Mark.

"Tell me," Jaebum said in a breathy laugh. "Tell me you at least know what a goddamn joint is." Mark could only look at him and nod with wide eyes. Every inhale Mark took was comprised almost entirely of Jaebum's smoky exhales. "Y'know, I've been thinking about you this whole time, how good and perfect you are," Jaebum slurred, letting his forehead fall against Mark's. "So fucking perfect." Mark scanned over Jaebum's face for any signs of insincerity, but found none. "And I can't wait to absolutely ruin that."

Mark found his heart beating harder than he thought possible, his trembling hand moving to stop on the collar of Jaebum's pristine white shirt, gently grasping the material.

"You ever tried?" Jaebum asked, backing his face slightly further from Mark's and holding up the joint. Mark shook his head, pushing his glasses up with the hand that wasn't resting on Jaebum's collar. Jaebum smiled, grabbing Mark's chin in one hand and tilting his face upwards.

Mark remembered Yugyeom's concern with what he was comfortable doing on the job.

_"Don't do anything you don't want to."_

Mark blinked the memory away until the only thing he could see was Jaebum's intense stare. _But_   _I want to._

"I...want to," he whispered his thoughts breathlessly, and Jaebum chuckled lowly, running a thumb over Mark's bottom lip before putting the joint in between his lips, prompting him to suck in the smoke. Mark did so, exhaling in a series of coughs. Jaebum smirked, taking a drag of the joint for himself before grabbing the back of Mark's neck and bringing him closer, letting the smoke travel the small distance from his mouth to Mark's. With wide eyes, Mark felt himself slowly inhale before holding it a second, then exhaling. 

"Fuck, you're so good," Jaebum whispered, dropping the joint onto the marble floor and extinguishing it with his foot. "Don't let them take it from you." Jaebum cupped Mark’s face with one hand, looking over his confused visage. “I’m drunk.”

"I-I figured," Mark said quietly. 

"Don't blame me. You're mine now, you deal with the fallout of my problems, you’re...responsible for this piece of shit," Jaebum breathed against Mark's lips, his eyes fluttering closed as he reached into his pocket. "Three thousand, I had it all set out for you." 

Mark looked at Jaebum's hand as it held up the money. He finally remembered to move his hand off of Jaebum's shirt collar to collect the money, recalling the reason he was in the office in the first place. With a confused look on his face, he counted all $3,000, which, to Mark, seemed excessive. Jaebum suddenly left Mark to go sit back at his desk, and Mark couldn’t help but feel as though his personal space felt like too much space without Jaebum in it.

Mark put the money in his wallet and grabbed his sweatshirt, looking over his shoulder as he approached the door.

“Just...keep your distance,” Jaebum muttered from his desk, head in his hands.


	4. 0.4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung begins to work on achieving his dream, though his declining focus has him at odds with himself. jackson plans a date night and an everlasting promise. the difference in worries between the two storylines is made evident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i kind of hated chapter three lmao i hope this one will be better!

Jinyoung opened his eyes, blinking a few times to clear up his vision. Saturday. He looked at Jackson, who was buttoning up his shirt and gathering the things needed for his belt. The sun had begun to rise, causing Jinyoung to hold up his hand to shield his eyes. Jackson noticed the movement and walked to Jinyoung, blocking the sun with his face as he bent down to kiss him. 

"Good morning," Jackson whispered to his smiling boyfriend. "Don't make any plans tonight, by the way," he said, putting on his shoes and jacket as Jinyoung sat up in the bed, waving to Jackson as he made his way to the door. After the door shut, Jinyoung looked down at his hands, sitting in the silence. His eyes travelled to his computer, and he remembered the draft he was writing; the first few lines of his poetry were underway. He felt such a strong desire to complete the poems, to type the last words and to call them his. However, he felt no desire to work to reach that completion.

Jackson was gone, rendering him without the appreciation and self-satisfaction he so desperately craved. Where else could he get it? He wasn't a usually social person. These poems would mean that he was capable of great things, they could fill the space that Jackson created with each time he parted. 

_Come on, Jinyoung. Write some stuff._

"Oh, my pills," he reminded himself, though it felt empty. He'd gotten used to them, and even if he took his daily dose, he wouldn't feel the productivity he once used to, it wouldn't help him like he wanted it to.

Like he needed it to.

Apprehensively, he walked to the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror before opening it and reaching for the pills. 

It was like slow-motion, like he wasn't real. He saw his hand reach for the orange bottle, and he saw his hands opening it and pouring two pills out by accident. What he didn't see, however, was his hand putting one of the pills back in the bottle. Frighteningly, he couldn't feel any of it, almost as if his body refused to accept what he was doing as he swallowed them at once. After, he closed the pill bottle and placed them back where they belonged. Jinyoung couldn't look at the mirror, and walked straight to his desk, sitting and trying not to panic.

_Jackson would be so disappointed._

He shook his head, ridding himself of the thought as he opened up his laptop. After all, why would Jackson be disappointed about an accident?

Jinyoung wrote with ferocity, typing the last few sentences in the poem. Only an hour had passed. He leaned back in his chair, trying to catch his breath; his heart was beating erratically. Gently, he placed his hand on his chest. Just a minor side effect to a great deal of productivity, is all. 

His eyes scanned over the words he wrote, all focusing on introspection. But it wasn't enough. He had to have it, to hold it. Jinyoung tore out a couple pages from a notebook, scribbling the poem down in several different renditions, all with unique edits and additions. He wrote and revised until he was satisfied, but his mind moved on quickly to a new subject to think, to write about, to make his own. He wrote each word as if it were his last, his own handwriting barely recognizable to him from his tremoring hands.

Jinyoung watched as droplets of water hit the paper, crinkling it and smudging and spreading the ink in expanding black starbursts. His eyes flickered to the shaking pen in his hand, and he suddenly recalled that it was the pen Jackson gave him for his 19th birthday, it was undeniably expensive and still held up so well after the years have passed and it was such a carefully selected and meaningful gift and he was using it to write a poem he came up with while on _drugs_ for Christ's sake, and why is it raining and Jackson meant everything in the entire world to him and Jinyoung never wanted to hurt him but oh, _God_ , Jackson can't be there all the time and there was something seriously wrong if Jinyoung couldn't find a reason for life that wasn't completely dependent on another person, especially a person he was hurting, and he knew it all too well, _you're hurting him, you promised_ , and the drops of water are Jinyoung's tears and he's crying, he's bawling, he's shaking with sobs and doesn't think he can stop-

_All of our dreams are awaiting us,_

_But not all of us are accustomed to them,_

_To the gentleness and care they require._

_They are further than they look,_

_Glistening far into the atmosphere, the stars that light our dark souls._

_Reach, to every extent possible._

_Reach, but do so with caution, they begin to crack at the slightest implication of haste._

_They have been brought to us, like treasures, and should be treated as such,_

_So disregard your worries and impatience,_

_Lest we become those who have shattered the stars._

_-J.Y._

"Okay, okay, I won't take it off _,"_ Jinyoung giggled later that night, putting his hand on the blindfold as Jackson guided him into the passenger seat. Jinyoung went to put his hands on his lap, but his hand grazed something on the way down. He reached up again, feeling a keyboard. "Hey, what's this- is this a laptop? Jackson, are we in the cruiser?" Jinyoung huffed, breaking into a smile as he heard Jackson's resonating laugh ring out through the vehicle. "You know how much I hate this thing," Jinyoung playfully pouted. 

"I know, but I was driving it when I met you. Put on your seatbelt," he said, watching Jinyoung struggle before he reached over and did it for him, planting a quick kiss on his lips as he did so.

"When _weren't_ you driving it?" Jinyoung said jokingly. 

"Hey, our car has such a low mileage because of it," Jackson replied as he started the car, the police radio emitting a loud surge of static and causing Jinyoung to scream. 

"This is why I hate it," he muttered under his breath, hearing Jackson let out an amused giggle. On the drive to wherever they were heading, Jinyoung tapped his feet to the sound of the music on the radio. When Jackson curiously muted it, Jinyoung swayed to the sound of the motor, not feeling Jackson's confused stare on him. Feeling for the button, Jinyoung opened the window despite the frigid weather and stuck his head out partially, smiling brightly. But then he decided not to do that anymore, and began gently bumping his head against the headrest as he closed the window and heard the music start playing again. 

"You're a little fidgety today," Jackson observed, and Jinyoung could sense the slight discomfort in his voice. Jinyoung could feel himself become flustered. 

"S-sorry, had a couple of Red Bulls today," Jinyoung lied, biting his lip hard. 

"That doesn't mix well with your medication," Jackson warned quietly. Jinyoung nodded understandingly. "And we're...here!" Came Jackson's sudden announcement, putting Jinyoung at immediate ease. He took the blindfold off of Jinyoung's face, and Jinyoung looked around to see the park, grinning. They got out of the cruiser, and Jackson ran and took his hand, leading him through the park to a somewhat-private spot on a hill. There was a picnic blanket and basket set out for them, and Jackson sighed. "Thank God nobody stole it."

Jinyoung laughed as they approached the blanket and sat. Jackson excitedly took a present out of the basket and handed it to Jinyoung, a bright smile on both of their faces. It was the golden hour, where the sun had barely begun to set, illuminating everything in a rosy shade of gold. Jackson looked all the more beautiful, but Jinyoung never knew that could be possible.

"What's this for, you cheesy dork?" He chuckled as Jackson shrugged.

"Just because. Open it!" Jinyoung laughed at his boyfriend's excitement, thinking how strange it seemed that he still blushed every time Jackson did something like that. Jinyoung carefully removed the blue wrapping paper, sliding off the silk ribbon. It was a book, and despite the autumn air which only grew colder, Jinyoung began to melt.

"100 Love Sonnets, huh?" Jinyoung chuckled, flipping through the pages. He spotted pencil marks on the paper, underlines on the phrases that Jackson deemed the best. He had made folds on the corners of the pages that he tried his best to get rid of, knowing how much Jinyoung disliked them. Jinyoung read through them, his smile spreading wider. 

_Before I loved you, love, nothing was my own._

_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride._

_And everything burned in blue, everything a star._

_I have hunger for your mouth, for your voice, for your hair._

"C'mon, Jinyoungie, read to me!" Jackson exclaimed as Jinyoung flipped through, looking over all the underlined fragments that Jackson picked out for him. He saw a little paper heart sticking out of a particular page, and flipped to it to see a sonnet that was all underlined, every word. Jackson rested his head on Jinyoung's shoulder, looking up at him happily. Jinyoung laughed, wondering how he'd keep up with Jackson had he not taken his pills. Quietly, he began reading, and Jackson listened intently, hand on Jinyoung's knee, drawing circles.

" _Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --_ _I don't know how to say it: a day is long_ _and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station_ _when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep."_ He stopped reading to let out a giggle as Jackson peppered kisses on his cheek, and then resumed.

" _Don't leave me, even for an hour, because then the little drops of anguish will all run together, the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me, choking my lost heart._ "Jinyoung, out of the corner of his eye, saw as Jackson reached into his pocket and moved to sit across from Jinyoung, who continued reading.

" _Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach; may your eyelids_..." Jinyoung trailed off, his eyes flickering over the book to the small box in Jackson's hand. His breath hitched, tears surfacing. "... _n-never flutter into the empty distance. Don't leave me for a second, my dearest..._ I can't-"   
  
" _-because in that moment you'll have gone so far, I'll wander over all the earth, asking, will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?_ " Jackson finished for him, opening the box to reveal a ring, and Jinyoung set the book down, launching himself into Jackson's arms, crying into his chest. "I didn't get an answer," Jackson jokingly whined, and Jinyoung just nodded, sniffling loudly. "Okay, so then stop crying so we can eat all the food I brought- oh God, are you snotting on me? I brought napkins, you know!" He screamed as Jinyoung laughed through his joyful, snotty tears. 

 "Ah- J-Jinyoungie-" Jackson moaned a couple hours later. "I know how happy you are, but I can't go a fourth time." He reached down and gently grasped Jinyoung's hair to pull him up. 

"Harder," Jinyoung breathed, causing Jackson to let go of his hair with a giggle.  

"You're crazy," Jackson rolled his eyes. 

"I might be," Jinyoung declared, lowering his head back down to take Jackson into his mouth, causing him to take Jinyoung's chin into his hand quickly. "Whatcha gonna do about it?" Jinyoung taunted, and felt his heart stop beating when he saw Jackson's eyes shift, their dark color intensifying as he flipped Jinyoung over, wrists pinned down on either side of his head. Jackson's mouth travelled, Jinyoung's throat caught, choking on moans. 

"Fuck, what's gotten into you lately," Jackson said between kisses on Jinyoung's lower stomach. "Why can't I just fucking resist you for once?" He felt Jinyoung's hands in his hair, his chest rising and falling more quickly the lower Jackson went.

_Searching hands, the pale surface of my skin made to bite_

_Paint red, purple, blue sunsets on me_

_Your mouth, your tongue, hotter than fire_

_"Shall I ruin you?" came your precarious voice_

_Cracking, fading amongst your gasps_

_Your body a dangerous landscape to my eyes,_

_The grooves in your abdomen under my fingertips._

_Your sinful exclamations I swallow as if I were dying._

_You satisfy my licentious mind_

_You burn me from the inside out._

_-J.Y._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS... SO FLUFFY? i gotta add the fluff tag, but it was also tragic omg because jinyoung took more of his pills than he was supposed to and like he was literally proposed to while he was under the influence of his emerging prescription drug abuse omg but i didn't wanna add him having that thought because i didn't wanna ruin the moment but like ugh
> 
> ALSO the end scene im so sad omg jinyoung's increased libido is because of the addy but they both just think he's really into it because of the proposal ugh omg also that poem was a little illicit sry


	5. 0.5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a month has passed, and mark has gone through several missions for jaebum without any incidents. yugyeom, however, notices that something's wrong with mark's increasing comfort in the business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um when this is lowkey turning into a sugar daddy fic??? lmao all the cars 
> 
> also they might fuck in chapter 7 ok i just dont wanna rush things (i say, after a lazy-ass monthlong time-skip)

"Mark," Jaebum called from his desk as Mark organized files at the conference table. Mark looked up to see Jaebum holding up a text he received, stepping closer to read it. "As you can see here, Sergio and Emma fucking bailed tonight."

"Who and who?" Mark asked, getting a murderous look in return. Jaebum stopped when he realized that Mark didn't spend a lot of time anywhere but his office. 

"They're supposed to approve of a shipment from Florida, but if no one’s there to pick it up tonight, he’s gonna take it to Michigan.”

”I...could go get it,” Mark said quietly, watching how Jaebum raised an eyebrow. It had been a month at the job and Mark didn’t like to admit it, but he’d been craving to do something other than watching college kids sell drugs to each other. 

“You sure about this?” Jaebum questioned, slowly standing up from his desk. 

“Well, yeah, I mean...” This made Jaebum examine Mark’s face in disbelief.

“Fine then, you can go with Rob. Go get him,” he waved Mark off, and the boy nodded as he went, confusing Jaebum further. “H-hey, you know, this can be kinda dangerous!” He called after him only to watch him reach for the door handle. “ _Very_  dangerous, really...” Jaebum’s voice got softer as the words gradually became more meant for him than for Mark. “H-hey wait up, I’m coming with you, forget Rob.” He quickly gathered his jacket and wallet as he ran to Mark, who was waiting for him. 

“That didn’t take long,” Mark said under his breath, and he could feel Jaebum’s glare burning into him. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jaebum muttered, sending Rob a text to put the bag of money in his car before he stopped, thumbs hovering over his phone screen. “Which color Mercedes do you wanna take?” When Mark didn’t give an answer, Jaebum looked up from his phone.

”You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I don’t have all day.”

”White,” Mark said, prompting Jaebum to complete the text with a smile.

”Funnily enough, that’s just what we’re going to pick up,” Jaebum chuckled, tapping his nostril. Mark scoffed as Jaebum led him through the building to the garage, where Mark could see multiple Mercedes, all different models and colors, along with other luxury cars Mark never thought he’d see in his life. 

Rob waved them over to the white Mercedes, and Mark spotted a bag- most likely filled with money- in the back seat upon coming closer. He watched as Rob handed Jaebum the key and bid them both farewell, going back to the main office. 

“How long’s this gonna take?” Mark asked, looking back as Jaebum drove out of the city.

”If everything goes well, not too long. It’s a damn shady place we’re going to, but this business isn’t exactly the most honorable either way.” He glanced over at Mark’s worried expression and broke out into a chuckle. “Why, you got somewhere to be?”

”No, but Yugyeom’s my ride back to the dorms.”

”I doubt it’s gonna take until 3AM,” Jaebum said, turning on the radio and seeing Mark relax in the seat. He felt himself smile before turning back to look at the road. 

“What?” Mark asked, a growing smile on his own face. 

“I don’t know, it feels so different now than all the other times I’ve done this in the past. I like it.”

It took them quite some time before they found the warehouse in a run-down part of the region, parking in a secluded area behind a dumpster. Jaebum turned off the car and took a couple of deep breaths before exiting and grabbing the bag from the backseat, Mark following him closely. Their breath became visible in the chilly air, spreading in a white fog in front of them. The inside of the warehouse was no warmer. 

Mark looked at all of his surroundings, quickly noting all the possible exits. There were two men standing at a table. On the table were the bags of cocaine. It was in one-kilo bricks, tightly sealed in plastic wrap and tape. Mark put a hand to his heart, trying to calm it. It took some time, but here he was, directly having a role in the distribution of drugs. Jaebum looked over his shoulder at him as they got to the table, making sure Mark wasn’t losing his mind. 

“Okay,” Jaebum began, handing Mark the bag of money as he rifled through the drugs, checking that the full quantity was there. “Standard checks. You know I trust you gentlemen but I cannot go without them,” he looked at Mark, nodding over to the men and telling him to give them the money. “All $750,000. Count it.” One of the men reached for the bag until Jaebum quickly put his hand on Mark’s arm. “Wait.”

Mark furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Jaebum. 

”Sorry, something here seems kind of weird, I just can’t shake the feeling,” Jaebum laughed in disbelief. He looked at the suppliers carefully, at their hands, which were uncharacteristically held behind their backs. His eyes slowly trailed up to meet one of the men's secretive gaze, and he showed them a friendly grin. “There must be something a little off about this batch, right? But I know you fine men would never do anything I didn’t approve of...” his smile suddenly disappeared. “Would you?” 

"What are  you doing?" Mark whispered. His wide eyes flickered over Jaebum’s face, over its stoic calmness, over the persistent confidence in himself. What the hell was he saying? His doubt in Jaebum quickly dissipated once he saw the two men, who were nervously fidgeting, eyes flickering to the drugs and back to Jaebum, like he'd just figured them out completely. 

“Oh it's a damn shame,” Jaebum chuckled. “My two best, huh?” He bit his lip in frustration, running his fingers through his hair and tugging on it as he slowly spun around, trying to think. “So, the fuck’s wrong with it? Is it laced or some shit? Did-did you fucking _steal_ it?”

The two men shared a look, each wanting to say something, but not having the courage to do it. 

“Talk, dumbasses.” Mark held his breath at Jaebum’s command. His calm demeanor was wavering, and at any point Jaebum would be caught in an outburst. Jaebum did have a habit of getting angry, but this had very big potential consequences, the aftermath being much more dangerous. 

“Hey...” Mark whispered, stepping a little closer to him, trying to get Jaebum to look anywhere but the suppliers. He tried to put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t get to accomplish that, because his arms were suddenly grabbed and tightly pressed behind his back by someone, the bag of money falling to the hard ground. “J-Jaebum...?” He called, and that’s when Jaebum’s glare broke, his eyes tearing away from the suppliers and to Mark. They were alive with fear, with betrayal, as they scanned over Mark’s scared gaze, over the gun held to Mark’s head. 

He pressed his lips together, eyes closing as he exhaled. He put his hand in his hair when he heard Mark’s quick, worried breaths.

“Look, what the fuck is going on here?” Jaebum asked, looking back up at the two suppliers. “You don’t really want to do this.”

”Please, Jaebum-“ Mark whimpered, but he quieted down when Jaebum held up his hand to silence him. 

The man holding the gun to Mark’s head looked at the two men. 

“You think it’s fucking acceptable, huh, Tony?!” He screamed at one of them, the gun moving haphazardly with his voice, causing Mark to flinch and let out a sob. Jaebum took a step towards him, arm cautiously held out for Mark to take once he was freed. Potentially. Hypothetically. _Hopefully_. “To fucking steal this much shit?!”

Jaebum spotted more men entering the warehouse and suddenly became extremely aware of the fact that he and Mark were both unarmed. Two men came up behind the suppliers, guns to their heads. Mark pressed his eyes closed, trying not to burst into tears.

“Mark, it’s gonna be okay-“ Jaebum began, being cut off by the man restraining Mark.

”Shut the fuck up!” He screamed, pressing the gun further into Mark’s temple. “You, what the hell is your place here?” He growled into Mark’s ear.

”We’re here just to buy it, all the money’s in that bag,” He looked down at the money that was knocked out of his hands when the man got to him, some of it scattered on the concrete floor. 

“Okay, okay, and that man, who’s that?” He pointed the gun at Jaebum.

“He came with me, he’s the one who provided the money for this, he did nothing wrong. He’s a really honest-“

”I don’t give half a shit about his life story, kid! Yeah, sure, I’ll let you guys go.” The man said as he let go of Mark’s arm to grab his hair instead. “But I do wonder...” He looked at Jaebum, shaking Mark’s head back and forth tauntingly. “...how he’d feel if I roughed you up a little.”

Mark was then thrown to the hard floor before receiving a sharp kick to his ribs. He screamed, clutching his torso in pain as the assailant bent down to deliver disorienting punches to his face. His glasses fell to the side and his vision became even worse. When he tried to reach for them, he felt a foot step on his hand, a crushing pain radiating through it.

“Mark!” Jaebum shouted, running to him. Suddenly, the man grabbed Mark’s throat, pulling him up to a standing position again. He pointed the gun at Jaebum, using his arm to choke Mark as he struggled. 

“Don’t fucking move,” the man panted, closing his arm further around Mark’s throat. Jaebum was breathing heavily, staring at Mark’s reddening face, his bloody lip, his tearful eyes.

It was reckless, it was unlike him. It was what he needed to do. 

He ran.

He grabbed for the man’s arm to free Mark.

And a gunshot rang out.

Jaebum’s head whipped around to look towards the two suppliers, who had taken out pistols of their own and shot their captors. He quickly turned back to see the man shove Mark to the ground again to intervene, bending down to catch Mark before he hit the concrete.

”Fuck, are you okay? I’m so sorry,” Jaebum breathed as he stroked Mark’s face, pulling him into his arms as he struggled for air. He looked around until he spotted Mark's glasses, picking them up. “I’m so fucking sorry.” 

The suppliers and the intruders began to fight, it was only two against eight or so, but it was an intense gunfight. It was an intense gunfight, that is, until Jaebum felt the all-too familiar red and blue lights on his face from the open warehouse door, until he heard the screeching sirens deep in his head. 

“Fuck,” Mark grunted from his arms, attempting to get up. Jaebum looked down, trying to hold him still.

”Stop, they can help you, you need an ambulance.” Jaebum countered, listening to car doors slam shut.

”You’re gonna get caught, are you- are you crazy?” Mark whispered, looking up with frightened eyes. 

“I...I might be,” Jaebum said, watching officers approach the warehouse from a distance, guns held straight out.

Mark wasted no time. No matter how short of breath he was, no matter how dizzy or weak he was, he wasn’t going to let him or Jaebum be caught. He shoved past Jaebum, running into the gunfire and grabbing the bags of cocaine. 

“What the fuck are you doing?! Just leave it!” Jaebum shouted, only to get a shaking head from Mark in return as he ran towards one of the exits he remembered. Jaebum followed as closely as he could, spreading his arms out to cover Mark as they ran. 

They burst through the exit, feeling the change in pressure and sound. The gunshots became more distant as they ran, looking over their shoulders in time to see two police officers follow them. 

“Mark,” Jaebum said quietly, pulling him into a spot behind a stack of truck tires. Mark was panting, clutching the two big duffel bags of cocaine to his chest. Jaebum sat behind him, arms around his body. “Turn around, let me see you.” Mark did as he was told, turning his head to face Jaebum.

_I'm so fucking scared. And...you're so fucking scared for me. I think I love it._

Their visible breaths mingled as Jaebum inspected the cuts on Mark’s face, his eyebrows tilting apologetically. Taking the glasses he picked up from his coat pocket, he placed them gently on Mark's face. He was about to say something when he heard the officers step near them, flashlights shining. Mark pressed his back flush against Jaebum’s chest, feeling the other’s arms hold him tightly. 

”They must be here somewhere,” Mark and Jaebum heard from behind them. Mark touched Jaebum’s hand softly, pointing to the Mercedes, parked behind the dumpster. It was illuminated in red and blue flashes, but it was there. Jaebum peeked his head out from behind the tires to see the police officers looking at an area that was far away from them. 

“Go,” he whispered, and he and Mark raced for the car as Mark threw the drugs in the backseat. Jaebum quickly began driving before they saw all the remaining officers at the front of the warehouse, guns pointed at the door. 

“Drive slow,” Mark warned, and Jaebum nodded as he pressed the accelerator slightly. They slowly drove behind the cops and their squad cars, unnoticed. Mark didn’t realize he wasn’t breathing until they were on the main road, where he let out a long breath. 

He looked at his phone to see several texts from Yugyeom. 

_Hey where are you?_

_mark im tired let’s go_

_im leaving without you, hope everything’s alright_

He looked up at the time. 4:12. Jaebum was looking straight ahead, the adrenaline in his system very apparent as he drove with stiff arms. He quickly glanced at Mark to make sure he was alright. 

The drive back was shorter, there were fewer people on the road aside from tourists making big trips. In the office, Jaebum set the bags down, staring at them near his feet. 

“Something’s very wrong here,” He murmured. 

“It’s a stolen supply,” Mark replied from his spot on a chair, holding his injured ribs. Jaebum shook his head once, and Mark tried to find another reason for why Jaebum was feeling that way. “Oh. I...didn’t grab the money on the way out, I’m sor-“

”No. That’s not it.” Mark observed as Jaebum exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “Why the fuck did you have to have a gun put to your head? Why did he have to fucking hurt you? And why..." He stopped talking, unsure of whether he should continue. "...Why did that hurt _me_?” 

“I...” Mark began, looking at the back of Jaebum’s head. “I wanna tell you I’m fine, but-“ Jaebum turned around. “I’m really scared now. I’m still just a dumb kid, I’m not used to this.”

”It’s my fault, I shouldn't have told you to go. I’m sorry.”

”No, but the thing is, I want to do this. I- I like doing this, I like you, I like the feeling this gives me,” Mark explained himself as Jaebum put his hands on both of the armrests and bent down, his smirking lips dangerously close to Mark. 

“Oh, what am I hearing, now? You’re making it so difficult here, Mark,” he whispered, looking up at tired eyes. Mark stared back through his dusty glasses, bringing one of his hands up to rest on the inside of Jaebum’s forearm. Having no physical contact with Im Jaebum in such a close proximity was a crime against humanity, he felt. 

"You're the one making this difficult," Mark suddenly retorted, watching as Jaebum's face fell flat. "All this talk about wanting me to keep my distance, but then you go on and do stuff like this." He looked at his hand as it lightly grasped at the velvet sleeve of Jaebum's blazer before it moved up along his shoulder. Jaebum closed his eyes and softly chuckled, getting impossibly close to Mark to whisper in his ear. 

"Stuff like this? Elaborate," he hummed smugly, taking Mark's breath away no matter how hard he tried to retain it.

"Y-you...you care," Mark uttered, feeling his face become flushed in red. Jaebum opened his eyes and backed away a little to meet Mark's gaze. His eyes moved all over Mark's face, stopping at his lips for a little while before moving back up. 

"Can someone tell me what the _hell_ took you two so long?!" Rob bellowed from the office door, making Jaebum jump away from Mark and run to his desk, pretending to read some papers. Rob looked at Mark's scratched up face, grimacing. He then looked at the bags of cocaine on the floor, smiling and picking them up. "Ah, yes, Bambam was waiting to cut and package all this. Well, he's at home now, because the delivery took so long." Jaebum rolled his eyes at Rob's passive aggressive comments. "You ought to get...that," he motioned at Mark's face, "...taken care of." As Rob left with the drugs, Jaebum walked back to Mark. 

"Let's go."

On the way back to Columbia, Jaebum took a turn in the wrong direction. Mark made no attempt to stop him as they pulled into a parking spot. He watched as Jaebum got out of the car, walking a short distance to a nearby 24-hour convenience store. Shrugging, Mark got out of the car and leaned against the hood until Jaebum returned. 

Jaebum approached him about 10 minutes later, a white bag in his hands. 

"Hey, why are you out here? I left the car running and everything..." He grumbled, looking at Mark's red nose from the cold.

"What's that? Needed more booze?" Mark nodded towards the plastic bag, making Jaebum roll his eyes as he stuck his hand in to show Mark the contents. Mark chuckled at the box of Spider-Man Band-Aids. 

"Shut up," Jaebum muttered as he bit the box open. "They were the only ones they had, y'know," he mentioned, moving to lean against the car next to Mark. He reached in the bag and pulled out a tube of Neosporin, dabbing some onto his finger. "Come here."

Mark hesitated for a second, and Jaebum sighed, turning to face him and removing his glasses for him as he gently placed the Neosporin on the cuts on Mark's face. Jaebum felt a heavy heat beneath his fingertips despite Mark having been in such cold weather. Mark only looked down at his hands, feeling Jaebum stick a Band-Aid on his cheek and eyebrow. He felt Jaebum's fingers brushing over the forming bruises, and though he couldn't see all that much, he could make out a box of lens wipes, which Jaebum used to clean his glasses before putting them back on. Mark blinked a couple of times, eyesight focusing just in time to see Jaebum flash a heart-stopping smile. 

"Thank you," he whispered, nervously adjusting his glasses, even if they were placed perfectly. 

"No problem. Your place or mine?" Jaebum coughed the last part as he packed everything back into the bag. 

"E-Excuse me?" Mark asked, face getting red, the shade only deepening as Jaebum smiled at him again.

"Kidding, kidding."

Jaebum stopped the car in front of the campus, making sure that Mark collected his pay, which was larger than it should've been to compensate for the trouble. 

"Thanks again," Mark said with slightly better confidence, opening the car door.

"Hey, wait-" Jaebum called a little too loud, pausing suddenly as Mark looked back to him. "I could, you know, give you a ride to work or back to school sometimes. I- I mean if you're cool with that, or if you're available, or-" He looked at Mark's blank expression before setting his jaw. "No, I'm your boss. I _order_ you to accept a ride from me every night, no exceptions or you're fired." 

Mark burst out into a fit of giggles, much to Jaebum's disdain. He waved Mark off, and watched as the student giggled his way to the residence hall.

"Fuckin' smooth, Jaebum," he whispered, putting the car in drive, but not before looking at Mark last time to catch him throwing a fist into the air, smiling triumphantly. 

A couple of minutes later, Mark walked into the dorm, taking his shoes off. 

"How long does a fucking supply run take you?" Yugyeom said suddenly, shutting the lights on in the living room. Mark flinched, repressing a shriek. Yugyeom gasped after looking at Mark's face. "What the hell happened?" Mark looked down as his friend approached him, angry face turning concerned. 

"It went wrong, turns out it was stolen from some guy. He came in with his friends, and they had guns, and he beat me up a little, and then the police came, and they also had guns- obviously- and Jaebum and I were the only ones without guns, basically, so it was kinda-"  
  
"Jaebum?" Yugyeom exclaimed. " _Jaebum_  went with you? He actually went and _obtained drugs_? He actually did the dirty work?"

"Well, yes." 

"Interesting." Yugyeom looked over Mark's face, his heart filling with abrupt regret. "You know, I don't mean to get all weird and stuff, but..." he bit his lip, looking anywhere but Mark's eyes. "You're changing, kinda...I don't know, it's dumb. I just...I regret ever making you do this stuff. You were so adamant about not wanting to sell, and now you're okay with it, and it's just not you, and I can't help thinking that I had a big part in it, that I'm ruining you. I'm sorry for that, for taking the good away from you. You don't have to stop, but just don't stray too far, okay?" He looked at Mark's confused expression, at how it seemed as though Mark had finally realized what was happening. He bent down and brought Mark into his arms for a tight hug. "I love you, goodnight."

Mark hugged him back tightly, scared that one day, he might not want to. He kept his eyes open wide as his thoughts raced, rubbing Yugyeom's back. The younger was still good and kind despite being in the business for a longer time. But after only one month, Mark changed in a way that his friends saw, even if he couldn't at first. What else was down the road?  

 _It's...not you who's ruining me, Yug._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH mark is becoming fucking HISTRIONIC that "you're so fucking scared for me, i love it" part im SHOOK he's probably gonna put himself in harm's way just to get more attention from jb in the future omg and honestly idk where this fic is gonna go idk if it was bad planning but im kinda making it up as i go lol i just love being kept in the dark about my own story!!!! 
> 
> also that ~escape~ from the cops was such bullshit im pretty sure they'd notice a car going past them 
> 
> but then again there was a plethora of gun-wielding drug bois in the warehouse so they were probs preoccupied??


	6. 0.6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung begins to experience adverse effects of the medication, but has trouble deciding whether these effects are worse than life without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a month has also passed in this chapter too idk if i should clarify lol  
> ok now let's go to jinyoung ugh :'(
> 
> TW: eating disorder and drug abuse
> 
> why is it the jinyoung storyline that always has the trigger warnings? i wont mark the specific point of the TW because it's scattered around, i will leave a summary in the end notes if you need to skip
> 
> also yay for not making them fuck for once hahaha the tables have TURNED y'all markbum is getting ready to go
> 
> ALSO THIS IS IMPORTANT: finals are coming up and so I'll try to squeeze chapter 7 in before my violent weekend study sesh. either way, if i am able to finish ch 7 or not, i will post another book that will serve as a little thing for you to read while you wait for the next chapter. it's called "the dictionary of you and i" and i wrote it a while ago so i'll copy and paste it into ao3. it's a collection of oneshots based on given words, all markbum, all fairly short, all cute as FUCK

"...and that's why you're my favorite person," Jinyoung finished the long rant he had for Jackson as his thumb brushed over the ring on Jinyoung's finger. Jackson giggled as he saw how out of breath Jinyoung was, grabbing his fork and knife and cutting into the steak in front of him. He looked at Jinyoung's salmon, which only had a bite or two taken from it.

"Hey, aren't you gonna eat?" Jackson nodded towards Jinyoung's plate, watching as Jinyoung's mouth dropped open slowly, trying to form an explanation.

"Oh, right...uh, I'm not sure, I ate some McDonald's with my friend today, I..." His eyes moved up to meet Jackson's concerned ones as he recalled the three chicken nuggets he ate at lunch with Youngjae. His heart began hurting at the sight of Jackson's face before Jinyoung quickly laughed. "I'm saving room for dessert, I've been dying to try their new cheesecake!" Jackson's face softened, although he didn't look too convinced. Jinyoung feigned another smile, taking a bite of his fish. 

He looked at himself in the hallway mirror that night, at his growing eye bags. His legs seemed as if they were swimming in the pants that, just a month ago, fit him perfectly. With a sigh, he put his hand on his hips, shocked at how he could feel his hipbones through his sweater. With a few blinks to rid himself of the tears, Jinyoung remembered his body from before, and how confident he was in it. The Adderall killed whatever appetite he happened to have, almost as if his mind became so busy with other things, productivity, euphoria, sexual frustration- to remember to make him eat. 

"Then should I..." he whispered to himself, turning to the side and putting a hand on his flat stomach. "should I eat now that I'm thinking of it?" His eyes trailed around the kitchen, seeking food. At that moment, Jackson returned from his late-night convenience store trip for more razors, holding several more bags than he should have been. Jinyoung held back a giant smile, amused at how good the timing was. 

"I brought these," Jackson breathed, his nose still red from the cold. Jinyoung spotted all his favorite junk food, chuckling softly as he imagined what Jackson would say next: "you've been getting kinda thin, don't think I didn't notice. I know you have a lot of deadlines lately but you can't just forget to eat, stupid."

He walked into the kitchen past Jinyoung as the younger watched him take out all the snacks and lay them on the countertop. Jinyoung let himself smile, feeling his cheeks start to cramp. Jackson struggled to open a bag of tortilla chips, sighing once he finally did it. He held up a jar of salsa and a jar of cheese dip and waited until Jinyoung made his choice by nodding at the cheese. Jackson hastily poured the chips into a bowl, and did the same with the dip, hurrying to the table, where he pulled a chair out for Jinyoung. 

"Sit, sit," Jackson said, gesturing to the chair. Jinyoung laughed as he made his way to the table, and received a kiss upon his arrival there. "Now, eat. All of it," Jackson said as he reached over, grabbing several bags gummy candy and chocolate bars and putting them on the table. "And then eat these, too."

"Jackson, I might actually die if I eat all of this. I think anyone would."

"Shh, I can't hear you!" Jackson shouted, skipping over to the counter to retrieve another bag, taking it into the bathroom. "I'm running you a bath, come here after you eat all of that!" 

Jinyoung stared at the chips before him, listening to the running water and the 90's R&B that Jackson played from the bathroom. He took one and bit into it, feeling dissatisfied. Eating seemed to be a chore more than anything. It was difficult for him to rebuild his appetite, but he ate a good amount and felt only slightly sick. He was eating just to stay functioning, it felt like. The pills were wearing off. His mouth dropped open in a yawn, noticing how mundane his thoughts had become. Slowly, he got up from his chair, reaching for the doorknob to the bathroom.

"W-Wait! Naked! Be naked when you come in!"  
  
"What? Why?" Jinyoung asked, unbuttoning his shirt before Jackson gave an answer. 

"Because I'm naked, too!" 

"Okay, sure," Jinyoung called to the bathroom door, fully naked. He looked down sheepishly before he picked up his shirt to cover himself, even if it just was Jackson. He didn't usually just walk into a room naked when Jackson was anticipating it. 

He opened the door, and the 90's R&B got impossibly louder as he noticed the dramatic red tint in the lighting, made by red washi tape covering all the light fixtures. 

_That has to be a fire hazard of some kind._

Jackson was laying in the bathtub, which was filled with puffy white bubbles. He brought his hand out of them to wave at Jinyoung, who let out a laugh. 

"Come here!" Jackson giggled, holding out both hands as Jinyoung approached him, shirt casually held against himself with one hand. He set it aside and got in the bathtub, sitting with his back on Jackson's chest. "Look, I got champagne," Jackson said, reaching over to a side table and giving Jinyoung a glass, which he filled.

"Thank you," he smiled, pecking Jackson on the lips. "You trying to knock me out or something?" Jinyoung gestured to the alcohol. 

"No, but you haven't really been sleeping, either. At all, so..."

Jinyoung blinked a few extra times to process what he said, his eyebrows subtly furrowing. Jackson knew that he'd been going days without sleep? Was it that obvious? And...how much more did he know? Certainly he didn't-

"I hoped that this would at least make you a little more relaxed, maybe. I don't know. I don't really know the extent of it, of what you're stressed about, but I promise if you get a bad grade once, it's not a bad thing. Even if you flunked out, Jinyoungie, I'd still be happy if you were healthier because of it. You can tell me anything, I swear on my life I will always help you," he paused for a moment, looking at Jinyoung's shrinking body and sinking eyes. Jinyoung could feel Jackson inside his mind, begging him to ask for help. When he didn't get a response from Jinyoung, Jackson continued. "Seeing you like this...hurts me, too." Jinyoung could only look at Jackson, who cleared his throat, reaching for his own glass of champagne and taking a sip. The younger lost his focus on the situation, instead finding himself immersed in his own thoughts.  

_You're hurting him. You need to stop soon. If not for yourself, for him. Do not do this to him._

Jinyoung didn't realize he was staring up at the medicine cabinet until Jackson yawned, bringing Jinyoung's attention back. 

"Ah, yeah. I'm sorry, Jackson. I really was focusing on all the work, I guess I forgot to take care of myself." His boyfriend nodded, moving his hands along Jinyoung's thin wrists, up over his protruding collarbones. 

"Well, don't forget anymore, it makes me scared," Jackson said as Jinyoung watched his expression turn suddenly playful. "I feel like I should be careful around you, like I could break you if I did all the things I really wanna," he breathed against Jinyoung's neck, causing him to shriek and splash Jackson by accident. Jackson wiped the water from his face in a shocked manner as Jinyoung backed away and turned to face him, laughing. "It's on, Park."

Jinyoung put his head onto Jackson's chest that night, wrapped around in the warm duvet as Jackson softly hummed sweet words to him. Jinyoung looked at the clock. 11PM. Jackson had been at work for most of the week around that time, causing Jinyoung to turn to Adderall for happiness in his absence, one of the direct causes of his recent insomnia. He turned his head to look back at Jackson, who, upon feeling Jinyoung's eyes on him, opened his with a small smile. Jinyoung only moved his eyes all over Jackson's face, eyelashes calmly fluttering with sleepiness which was only intensified by the lack of the pills. 

_I'm okay now, you're here. As long as you're here, there's no need._

He relaxed further into Jackson, feeling his arms around his shoulders, his slow breathing calming him. Jinyoung's eyes fluttered closed, his final thought being that he hoped Jackson knew how much he loved him before he was sent into his first full night of sleep in a while.   
  
_Already your hands have opened their delicate fists_  
_and let fall, without direction, their gentle signs,_  
_you eyes enclosing themselves like two grey wings,_  
  
_While I follow the waters you bring that take me onwards:_  
_night, Earth, winds weave their fate, and already,_  
_not only am I not without you, I alone am your dream._

_-Pablo Neruda, Sonnet LXXXI_

The next morning, Jinyoung stared at all six pills in his hand- his biggest dose yet, hesitating for a moment before he swallowed them. He closed the medicine cabinet, painfully staring into his reflection.   
  
"I'll just go until there's none left," he whispered. "then it'll be over for good." 

He looked all around him on the bus ride to the dorms, focusing on every detail of the strangers surrounding him. Almost missing his stop, he tore his eyes away from a particularly pink umbrella with a mesmerizing white line pattern that a woman held. As he walked through the crowded Manhattan streets, he felt his irregular heartbeat speed up a little, the density of the people around him seeming as if it was suffocating him. There was a feeling he couldn't shake as he made his way to the residential hall and up the stairs to Youngjae's dorm. 

"Youngjae-" he panted, looking over his shoulder as he burst through the door. He looked at who was sitting at the dining table. "Yugyeom, h-hi."

The younger stood to greet him, looking concerned. 

"You okay?" He asked, and Jinyoung blinked rapidly, feeling the sweat on his eyebrow which had gone unnoticed. He put a hand to his hot, wet face, to his pounding heart. Youngjae's bedroom door opened, and Bambam peeked his head out to see Jinyoung flinch at Yugyeom approaching him. "What's the matter?"

"Oh, I...I just need to talk to Youngjae, it's n-nothing, really..." Jinyoung felt his hands start moving, and looked down to see blood. "Oh, God-" he whispered, seeing his involuntary and absentminded self-inflicted scratches, streaking across the backs of his hands and wrists. He glanced up at Yugyeom, who didn't seem to have noticed. Jinyoung quickly pulled his sleeves down to hide the red marks. "Sorry, I ran up the stairs to get in some extra exercise," he lied, feeling how his heart was still beating heavily, resonating through his body. 

"Hey, Jinyoung!" Youngjae said, walking out alongside Bambam. "What's up?" Jinyoung sat down at the table and Youngjae followed suit, sitting next to him. 

"I...I- um-" he looked around anxiously, tapping his foot while looking up at the two younger boys. Youngjae took notice, opening his mouth to say something.

"Bam," Yugyeom smiled suddenly, grasping Bambam's hand. "You wanna go get coffee? My treat." Bambam nodded, smiling. 

"Thanks, all of a sudden, too! You guys wanna come?" He asked, causing Yugyeom to sigh. Youngjae declined, sending the two boys off. The front door shutting echoed through Jinyoung's mind a little too long; he hated the sound of people leaving, no matter who it was. 

"What's up?" Youngjae repeated, and Jinyoung felt his hands move again, sitting on them to prevent them from scratching. His eyes flew all around the room as his thoughts raced, he was unsure of where to even begin, or whether telling Youngjae was a good idea. But the world felt as if it were shattering around him, as if he was being pursued by death itself, like danger was at every turn and if he didn't tell someone, it would catch up- he had little time to waste. 

"I'm gonna say it, okay?" Jinyoung breathed, his voice shaky. "You can't make a big deal, okay?" Youngjae nodded, and Jinyoung took a deep breath before meeting his eyes, framed by thin, circular glasses. "I'm...addicted. T-To Adderall."

Youngjae's eyebrows furrowed, his face scrunching up in confusion, and then surprise, and Jinyoung began praying that he wouldn't need to repeat himself. Youngjae's face relaxed before he took a deep breath. 

"Oh, Jesus, Jinyoung, we've got class in a couple of hours, what do we do?" He muttered, standing up from his chair to hug his friend. "You left your house on it? Must've been a paranoid hell, you poor thing."

Jinyoung relaxed for a moment, confused at Youngjae's unhesitant support. He hugged him back, feeling his breathing start to calm despite the fact that he had almost a week's worth of his medication in his system. 

"You need to tell Jackson as soon as possible, please. This is serious. I don't wanna scare you, so I'm trying to be gentle with my words here, but- I'm scared." 

Jinyoung nodded, feeling tears suddenly fall from his eyes. He was loved. He needed Youngjae. And he needed Jackson. If he ever found out, there was no guarantee that he'd stay. Though Jinyoung knew there wouldn't be a chance of Jackson leaving him in his time of need, there was still an unrelenting doubt in the back of his mind, fed further by the inadequacy he truly felt about himself. He wasn't ready for Jackson to leave yet, he'd fall further without him. The uncertainty that was only based off of his own twisted delusion was still, despite all rationality, enough to make him scared of coming clean to his boyfriend. Jinyoung told his friend everything, feeling the weight be taken off of his shoulders, feeling his voice become a little lighter, heart a little stronger.

That night, after hanging out with Youngjae, Yugyeom, and Bambam for the time after class, Jinyoung received a series of texts on his way to the subway station. 

_Jinyoungie, sorry for being late will be home in 30 min_

_also I was told I need to be at a training camp this weekend to check up on the new officers, won't be home :(_

_i'll leave you some goodies in the apartment for you to find while I'm gone, love you_

He stared at the texts for far too long, feeling strangers sweep past his stationary body on the sidewalk. Finally, he looked up into the distance, losing himself in his thoughts again. He could barely function on 6 pills while Jackson was gone for a couple of hours, what was he to do for the two full days? 

He should have gone home.

He should have just gone to bed. 

He should have went to Jackson, to his warm arms, to his kind words, his beautiful heart.

But the stardust just felt too good as it slipped from Jinyoung's trembling hands, pooling itself at his stumbling feet as they took all the wrong steps. 

 

_I've no recollection of these distant memories._

_Not without this artificial gratification you have grown to hate._

_The capricious energy I seldom truly lack_

_Is taken away with your absence. It is crushing my spirit, it is coming closer to you._

_I wait, until my hands are still_

_Until I learn to live, all for me_

_not you_

_or it_

_for me_

_But the question of 'why' is too doubtful, so I turn elsewhere_

_to you_

_or it_

_not me_

_And if you are, as you are, as you will be- absent for a portion of my life, then where else?_

-J.Y. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summary if anyone skipped due to TW: jinyoung has begun taking 6 adderalls at a time (120mg total), and is starting to see how the decrease in appetite from it is changing him. he can't sleep, and has been erratic in the time that jackson is gone. he goes to youngjae and tells him about the growing addiction, to the younger's dismay. it is revealed that jinyoung had been paying frequent visits to youngjae in the dorm, and has become friends with bambam and yugyeom. however, mark is always doing research in the lab or with jaebum during these visits, so they have never met. jackson tells jinyoung that he will be visiting incoming police officers at a camp, rendering them unable to see each other for the weekend.
> 
> adverse effects of addy include but are not limited to insomnia, dramatic/serious weight loss, irritability, increased libido, euphoria, pounding heart, anxiety, cardiac arrest, death
> 
> effects for someone dependent on addy after not taking it include but are not limited to depression, inability to focus, fatigue, extreme hunger, and in the worst case scenario, suicidal thoughts and actions
> 
> not to sound like a mom or anything but this is real shit idk how old anyone reading this is (or if anyone's reading this part) but addy is seriously addictive and popular among college students. so just be careful ok
> 
> (when this is turning into some weird-ass anti-drug propaganda?? lol sry i'm starting to feel really bad for making jinyoung suffer through this)


	7. 0.7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh, boy, a lot happens here, alright? LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN BABY
> 
> mark's involvement in distributing drugs seems to become more and more direct as time passes, and due to his knowledge of mind-altering drugs is given the job of consulting with- and possibly selling to- a customer. jaebum needs accompaniment to an event later in the night, but the way his colleagues treat mark changes his perception of not only his employee, but himself. 
> 
> spoiler: they FUCK even though i spoiled it two chapters ago lol??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry did i say this was turning into a sugar daddy fic??? this IS a sugar daddy fic now yall LMAO 
> 
> ok i'm usually faster at the mark chapters and they usually have many more words bc like...though i love jinson, the jinyoung storyline is usually goddamn sad, even if jinson is doing lots of fluffy cute stuff there's still that weird feeling bc...a portion of jy's excitement comes from DRUGS ffs. idk the jinson storyline just takes a toll on me whenever i write it, i usually have to write any angst in advance bc i need TIME to be in my feels ok 
> 
> this is too long lol
> 
> anyways enjoy

Mark listened to his footsteps echo through the corridors as he made his way towards the conference room, his breathing shaky. He replayed the orders he was given in his head. How Jaebum told him about a special potential buyer who was already hooked on the drug and needed more, how- if they played their cards right- they'd be looking at a loyal customer. What stuck out, however, was Jaebum's emphasis on informing the customer about the risks of using drugs, as if he knew that Mark would have many qualms if he didn't do so. Mark looked down at the pill bottles in his hands, at the two different dosages, at the information printed so kindly by the producers. 

When he entered the room, he saw the customer sitting at the table, looking devoid of all hope. It was only 10PM, not usually the time that the people with serious addictions came. The man had eye bags in a violent shade of plum. Mark sat across from him, smiling politely. 

"Hello," came the soft, wavering voice. Mark noted how young he seemed up close. "Please don't try to make this personal. I don't need your name, and you don't need mine. Let's just...discuss this."

"As you wish," Mark nodded, putting the two pill bottles on the table, looking at them and then the man. "First order of business is to tell you that these are generic, not the real brand name. I'd recommend taking a little bit more than your usual dose to get the same effect, and I'm talking an increase of 5 to 10 milligrams, so don't go too overboard."

"Why...are these white?" The customer asked, watching Mark pour some pills onto the table. Mark looked up to curious eyes, the customer really didn't know much.

"These are made by our employees here, again, not the name brand or most of what you can get at a hospital." He watched as the customer's eyes glazed over. _He doesn't really want this life. "_ Tell me, you a student?" Mark questioned, noting the book held in his hand. The customer looked at him with daggers in his eyes, because whatever happened to not getting personal? Something in his demeanor changed as he looked at his book and back to Mark.

"Y-yes. And it's a hobby," He moved the book to his lap, rubbing his eyes and sighing.

"Okay, you can take one of these bottles, $20." Mark said, closing one of them and pushing it towards him gently. "But-" he said quickly, watching the buyer reach into his back pocket. "If you happen to have a heart condition, then I'd advise against using this. If you have any history of it, don't, I'm saying this as a provider who profits off of this, don't." He saw the customer's eyes soften as he nodded. "And...if it seems to be affecting your life more negatively than positively, please just try to stop. I believe in you and I believe that someone out there-"

"Thank you," the customer whispered, cutting him off. Mark was about to disregard the rudeness before noticing the tears in the customer's widened eyes. "Thank you so much. For...thinking I could do it." Something in the customer's melancholy smile made Mark's heart beat in a bittersweet rhythm. Like the smile was there for the sake of reassurance. "I'll take this bottle," he said, putting the $20 down on the table and leaving promptly. Mark hesitated for a moment, his eyes staying on the money before they followed the boy to see him walk past Jaebum, who was standing in the doorway. Mark held back a shocked gasp, standing to greet him and hoping he didn't hear him try to coerce the buyer to stop.

"Limiting my profit, huh? Sit." Mark did as he was told, becoming scared of repercussion as he watched Jaebum approach him and corner him in the chair with his hands resting on the armrests. This was somewhat of a habit for Jaebum, wasn't it? "What was that I heard? Encouraging him to stop? Shit, I told you to inform him about the dangers to his health, not his life or aspirations, Mark. Can't you just fucking sell some Adderall?"

Usually, Mark would be one to apologize, stay quiet, and maybe cry later that night. But there was something in Jaebum that just brought out the real person in him, the true feelings, there was something that made him want to be seen, to be heard. To be unrelentingly _there_. 

"He's our fucking age, Jaebum, I don't wanna see him do anything to fuck his life up so early. That could've been me, for God's sake," he watched as Jaebum smirked at Mark's rebuttal, seeming pleased with himself. 

"Mmm, I like it when you bite back," Jaebum hummed, closing his eyes. Mark sighed out a breath he wasn't even aware he was holding, and found that although he was exasperated, he couldn't breathe back in. No, he wouldn't dare waste time breathing when he could spend it admiring Jaebum in all his proximity. "I was fucking with you, it's fine. I liked him, I wouldn't wanna see him fuck anything up, either," Jaebum said as he backed away from Mark. "Get ready, there's an event you're going to with me tonight."

"I don't think so," Mark murmured, looking at his casual pink hoodie and black jeans, the one night he decided to dress down. 

"But I do," Jaebum smiled, pulling out a shiny black credit card. "Go buy yourself something nice," he held the card out to Mark, who looked up at him in disbelief. 

"Did you just say that?" he asked, and Jaebum chuckled, realizing the terrible cliché before nodding at the card for Mark to take. Mark stood up, reaching his hand out to grab Jaebum's wrist instead of the card, pulling him out of the room. "Not without you," he announced, laughing at Jaebum's uncharacteristically shy smile. 

-

"I didn't know American Express invited corporate drug lords to have the black card," Mark later said in the Bentley passenger seat as Jaebum calmly drove towards Midtown with a smirk appearing on his lips.

"There's little difference between what I do and just saying I'm an 'entrepreneur', y'know," he said, turning down 5th Avenue as Mark looked at the pedestrians through the tinted windows.

"Where are we going, anyway? Which places are still open at this time?" He looked at Jaebum's card in his hands as he felt the car stop. _Every place would stay open for you with this baby._ The door opened, and he saw Jaebum holding it for him to get out in front of the store, a sign saying _Giorgio Armani_ above the doorway. "Here?" Mark whispered, eyes widening as Jaebum nodded his head. "Are you fucking crazy?" He saw Jaebum nod his head once again, turning and walking through the tall glass doors. Mark followed hesitantly, spotting Jaebum talking to an associate, who already had a suit picked out. Jaebum turned to see Mark nervously arrive next to him. 

"Made a couple of calls," he whispered before turning back to listen to what the associate had to say. Though there was no price tag, Mark could tell that it was a hefty amount for the suit. It looked very plain and simple, but the care with which the associate handled the suit told him otherwise. Jaebum looked at Mark with a smile. "Want it?"

"Do I...have a choice?" Mark asked, handing Jaebum the credit card. 

"Not really," he sighed as he passed the card to the saleswoman.

-

"Alright, how does it look?" Mark shyly questioned in Jaebum's office as he turned to face Mark, his hand involuntarily covering his mouth.

"Wow," Jaebum whispered. "Usually, I'd make a stupid joke or something, but- _wow_ , turn." Mark spun around as Jaebum watched, tongue swiping out over his lips quickly. "Look at you, my God."

"It's nothing, really," Mark murmured before reaching for his glasses on Jaebum's desk. He glanced at a mirror on the wall, at his suit and new hairstyle, courtesy of another employee who had put his hair in an up-do. He was used to his longer hair covering his forehead and occasionally framing parts of his face; it was a strange difference, but Jaebum had no complaints about it at all as he smiled to himself, sending Robert a quick text to get the car ready.

They drove in comfortable silence to the event venue, and Mark noticed that it was in Midtown, did Jaebum do everything there? Shopping and attending events there in one night. They arrived at the large building, and Mark looked at the golden accents of the entrance, watching Jaebum give the valet a hefty tip. There were several moguls, all from the same profession, arriving in foreign luxury vehicles. They all greeted Jaebum respectfully, and he greeted them back, putting his hand on the small of Mark's back as he led him into the building. The density of the people grew when they entered the main floor, music booming through the area. 

"Don't be fooled, this may look all fancy but it's just a drunk networking event," Jaebum said into Mark's ear as they walked through. Mark felt all the eyes on him and Jaebum, who led Mark to one of the three open bars in the giant room. Jaebum ordered for the both of them, and Mark became annoyed that Jaebum knew exactly what he'd like. He took his drink and watched as Jaebum slipped a couple hundred to the bartender. 

"JB, hey!" Someone shouted, causing them to turn and see a tall blond man walking through the crowds. "How's it been, man?"

"JB...fucking Justin Bieber?" Mark, to Jaebum's disdain, chuckled under his breath as he sipped his drink.

"Chris, how are you?" Jaebum fake smiled, spotting a man and woman approaching him.

"Hello, JB. It's great to see how well you're still doing on your own," the woman smiled, and Jaebum nodded. 

"Hi, Lizzy, hi Neil. This is Mark." Mark politely shook everyone's hand. 

"Oh, we've heard a lot about you, and we've only been here a couple of minutes. You're the talk of the town!" Neil exclaimed, and Mark blushed. Jaebum bit his lip, and Mark noticed that he seemed suddenly frustrated.  

"JB, me and the guys are going to get some drinks, we'll be right back," Lizzy said.

"There's a bar right here," Mark said, looking down at his barstool.

"You're right, but that one's the one that has tequila," She pointed, and Chris and Neil followed her, leaving Jaebum and Mark to themselves until they came back or another person began talking to them.

"Fuck, I was worried about that," Jaebum said, downing his whiskey and turning to order more.

"What?" Mark asked. 

"That everyone would have some stupid affinity for you." Jaebum's voice was angry, causing Mark to laugh. "Not funny. You alright with that?" 

"Yes." Jaebum's lips formed an angry straight line at the answer. "I'm not dumb enough to get it on with anyone here, if that's what you're bitter about. At least not yet, check back with me after a couple more drinks."

"Don't even joke about that," Jaebum sighed, and Mark laughed at his distress. "Okay, so you're telling me that while I'm here catching up with people and passing out business cards, you won't be going off with some charming, pretty little thing? You should keep in mind there's a lot of good-looking people here. But keep in mind that _I'm_ your boss, though, so in comparison they're not that attrac-"

"You're ridiculous," Mark giggled, accepting the second drink Jaebum bought him and taking a sip. "Don't worry. I'm just gonna go meet some more weirdos like that Chris guy so I can laugh at them while you're busy getting your ass kissed by all these people. Now stop buying me drinks or else that might not be the only thing I do." Jaebum glared up at him from his glass, sending him into a fit of laughter. "Kidding, kidding." 

"Look, you know how I am, alright? So just don't do anything you think will get me mad. And don't say I didn't warn you," Jaebum looked down at his drink, listening to Mark's giggles and trying to hide his own smile.

Just as they saw Lizzy, Neil, and Chris come back, a man with black hair walked up to Mark and Jaebum, putting a hand on Mark's arm.   
  
"Hey, JB! I'm gonna borrow him for a second, that okay? I got some people dying to meet him!" Jaebum's eyes shot an angry glare at the man, before softening and looking to Mark. 

"That okay?" Mark asked, and Jaebum nodded, albeit reluctantly as he watched Mark drink the rest of the alcohol in the glass before setting it down on the bar. "See ya."

"Oh, Jaebum doesn't like that!" Lizzy sing-songed, watching how Jaebum stared at the two. 

"I'm fine. He's not an idiot, just a brat sometimes. Just don't let him know I'm angry, so he won't start having his fun."

"That's gonna be a hard one to watch," Chris said. "Everyone either wants to have him work for them or to fuck him. Or both."

"I'm team both," Lizzy declared, sticking her tongue out when Jaebum's killer stare switched from Mark to her.

"So am I, and he's already working for me, so back off," He muttered, drinking his whiskey. 

"Ouch," Neil laughed.

The man slung his arm around Mark's shoulders as they walked through the dance floor, and Mark could feel Jaebum's eyes burning holes in the back of his head. Mark shook his head a little, already feeling the alcohol start to get to him. 

"I'm Randall, I've got some pretty ladies awaiting your introduction."

"Oh, actually, I-" 

"Mark!" A woman shouted, running to him. Mark looked around at the people starting to gather around him, wanting to listen to what he said. "I'm Mandy! So you're the cutie who's coming with Jaebum tonight. Usually he brings Robert."

"Ah, well I also work for Jaebum, I just don't have my own office like Robert does. Most of my time is spent in Jaebum's office because we're just used to it that way."

"What do you do there?" A man from the crowd asked. 

"I monitor our sellers, usually. I did a supply verification recently, and today I did a customer consultation."  
  
"Of course JB does those, a direct limit to the sales. We refused to advertise dangers of our product, that's why he left our company to start his own," Mandy muttered. 

"Okay, that's enough, guys. No need to show qualms about this," said another man, who walked to Mark. Mandy greeted him.

"Hello sir, would you like to have a word with Mark?"

"More than just a word," he smirked, looking at Mark up and down. "Let's go," he nodded towards the bar that Lizzy said had tequila. "I'm Aaron," he said as he helped Mark get through the people. Mark noticed the oozing confidence and charisma in the man, the resemblance to Jaebum was uncanny. "Order something, I'll pay." 

Ah, there was a difference, besides Aaron's electrifying green eyes, Aaron also didn't happen to know Mark as well. 

"Nice to meet you. Do you know Jaebum?" Mark asked, feeling his face get red as Aaron got closer to hear him better. 

"Do I know JB, what kind of a question..." he laughed, before seeing Mark's confused face. "You're new here. Yeah, we worked together, but since it was my dad's company, he was pissed that he'd never have as much power as me so he went and started his own. That, and the fact that we never really gave a shit about our customers and he hated that. I have no hatred towards him, other than thinking he's kind of a pussy. But if he sees you talking to me, he might get a little mad. He's always been possessive like that." 

"I know, trust me," Mark smiled, taking a sip of his drink when the bartender passed it to him. He blinked his eyes in an attempt to clear his blurry vision, the alcohol was really getting to him now. Maybe it was just that, or maybe it was the comfort in knowing that Jaebum would be incredibly mad, but Aaron looked inexplicably attractive. He was, but not typically would he be attractive to Mark, who had Jaebum with him every day. 

"We could really use someone like you. Y'know, our competitors would do anything if you asked for it. Shit, they'd declare bankruptcy, the world needs more people like you," Aaron laughed, leaning in closer and resting a hand on Mark's thigh. 

"People like me?" Mark asked, amused. 

"Fucking sexy," Aaron breathed into his ear, the words snaking down Mark's neck and he chuckled, eyes moving around the hall, stopping at Jaebum, who was looking directly at him. Mark blinked a couple more times, watching how heavy Jaebum's breathing seemed even from so far away, how Jaebum struggled to keep conversation with the people around him. 

He was staring.

He was pissed.

And Mark _loved it_.

"What do you say to...dancing with me?" Mark asked, his sentence paused in the middle by a hiccup. 

"Let's go," Aaron laughed, taking Mark's hand and bringing him to the dance floor. Thankfully, or maybe not, Mark wasn't sure- the lights were dimmed, and small white strobe lights illuminated the hall as the two moved in with the crowd. Networking events could be fun, Mark gathered. He felt Aaron's hands over his body as they danced, putting his arms up slowly, surrounded by other people who were enjoying themselves. Mark was dangerously curious, wanting to see just what Jaebum would do.

After a while of dancing, Aaron thanked Mark and declared that it was his time to leave.

"Care to join me?" He asked, hand stroking Mark's face.

"Thank you, but I'll just see you out to the door." He felt kind of sorry for using Aaron in the hopes that Jaebum would possibly see, and thought he'd rather not be a fucking idiot despite the amount of alcohol he drank. Mark looked down at his fourth or fifth drink in his hand. Vodka martinis at corporate drug events were  _strong_. 

Before he and Aaron exited into the brightly lit hallway, he looked over his shoulder to see that Jaebum was standing, hand running through his hair. His wild eyes were locked onto Mark's across the gigantic area, daring him to leave with Aaron. It didn't matter _where_ he was going- to the door, to his house, to fucking hell, anywhere was bad if Mark and Aaron had anything to do with it. Mark sent a mischievous smirk to Jaebum before turning and exiting, waving to Aaron when the valet brought his car. 

"We're leaving." The demand was angry, it was entangled with a poorly-concealed drunken slur, it was scented with expensive whiskey and cognac as it brushed over Mark's surprised face. It happened in a short amount of time, Jaebum had walked across the room, to Mark, and to the back door in a matter of seconds.

Mark didn't protest as he chugged the rest of his drink, leaving the glass on a table that he passed by while Jaebum pulled him by the wrist. They got out into a cold parking garage, yet Mark's body felt as if it were on fire every time he focused even a little on Jaebum's unwavering grip on him, on the seething demeanor the other had. He spun around and grabbed Mark at the waist, pushing him against the hood of the Bentley, their foreheads together. Mark watched as the confused valet approached Jaebum, who wordlessly stuck his hand out for the keys, his other unbuttoning Mark's blazer and moving over the soft material of the dress shirt underneath. 

"You think I wasn't gonna do anything like this? You think I was gonna be okay with seeing you doing that shit?" Jaebum panted as he pressed the button to unlock the car, his eyes meeting Mark's before fluttering closed. For a second, his face was brought closer to Mark's, his lips close enough to taste before he pulled back, sharply inhaling. "I can't...not here," he whispered, immediately walking to the front seat. "In. Now."

The car ride was torturous, he could barely remember the way back to his house, his wild eyes unable to stay on the road. Mark found himself uninterested on the passing Upper West Side penthouses because the mess in his mind was too prevalent. What was going on? Why did he want this so bad? Why did he love seeing Jaebum this way?  Why, in God's name, would he do anything Jaebum told him to at the drop of a hat?

"Why..." Mark whispered absentmindedly, eyes glued to the sleek dashboard of the luxury vehicle as it pulled into another parking garage. When he saw that Jaebum was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to hear him, he continued talking. "Why do I want you so badly?"

They stayed quiet on the exterior as Mark's wrist was in Jaebum's hand again, pulling him through the empty lobby of a luxury apartment building and into an elevator. The ride to the 38th floor would have been agonizing, yet Jaebum prevented that by giving himself a little well-deserved satisfaction, pressing Mark against the tall golden wall. 

"Do you happen to have any idea," he breathed into his ear, feeling Mark's shaky hands reach up to touch him, for just the feeling of Jaebum's skin somewhere, anything he could get. "just what I'm about to do to you?" Mark only nodded, gasping for air that somehow didn't enter his lungs. "Good, you want it?" A flicker of concern washed over Jaebum's darkening eyes as he asked, only to get a positive reply in return just as the elevator doors opened. Mark followed Jaebum closely to the apartment, watching how he typed in the passcode, the lack of contact almost killing him. 

The apartment was beautiful, the shining hardwood floors and expensive furniture were kept immaculately, glistening chandeliers that Jaebum didn't bother turning on hung from the high ceiling. Mark didn't have time to process any of it, because he was in Jaebum's bedroom almost immediately. Floor-to-ceiling glass windows and doors showcased a view of the city, still bustling in the late hours of the night. They wasted no time, traveling hands tore clothing off and discarded them on the floor and eyes wandered before the pair stopped what they were doing. There was a pause, the one time Jaebum had faltered. Mark could tell, he was nervous. This was where their relationship of boss and employee was coming to a screeching halt. So Mark did the only thing left to do to make that happen. 

Gently, he brought his hands to Jaebum's face, kissing him. 

And Jaebum's usual confidence was restored at once, his hands roughly removing Mark's shirt the rest of the way, his lips detaching from Mark's and moving to his neck, causing him to gasp, fingers digging into Jaebum's shoulders. It was the confirmation he needed to continue, his unrelenting assault on Mark's reddening skin resulting in soft moans being heard. He picked Mark up, stumbling even in the room he knew so well as he set him down on the bed, backing away and walking to the bedside table. He gathered what he needed, smirking in amusement upon seeing that he still had some of the things left behind from long ago, residing in the drawer he rarely opened in the last year. Mark moved his arms over the silk sheets on the king-sized bed, shivering as the fabric moved over his naked torso. He felt a breeze, and turned to see Jaebum opening the tall balcony door, the sounds of the city falling to Mark's ears. Jaebum stared out of the window for a second before unbuttoning the rest of his shirt and throwing it to the floor, walking to Mark. 

The elder sat up at the sight of a vile of lube in Jaebum's hand. He watched as Jaebum set it down on the bed, straddling Mark and removing his glasses. Mark blinked a few times to adjust, feeling more of the cool air enter through the window, goosebumps dotting his pale skin. Jaebum's hands stroked over every part of his torso, getting to his pants and tearing them off hastily. Mark assisted him in removing his clothing until they were both down to their boxer briefs, breathing heavily in anticipation. Jaebum kissed him again, this time spending all his time on Mark's mouth, swiping his tongue over his bottom lip. Still deepening the kiss, Jaebum moved the two of them up on the bed until Mark's head was against the headboard. 

They separated for a second, foreheads pressed against each other, eyes locked together. Mark breathed out a couple hot breaths, watching Jaebum's eyes flutter closed with a short sigh, adorned with the scent of liquor.

"This your first time?" He asked, fulfilling Mark's secret desire for speech, for the heavy realization that Jaebum's voice had dropped into fatally low octaves; the dark, smooth tone Mark longed for made it's way through his ears and into unholy places. 

"N-no," Mark said, hoping that the city lights weren't bright enough to show his ever-growing blush. He felt a single, breathy chuckle from Jaebum brush over his face. 

"Bummer, I love being in first place," Mark shivered to the words, his hands moving involuntarily to rest on Jaebum's upper arms. "But, it's alright, because at least you'll know to get on your hands and knees for me, yeah?" 

He nodded, feeling Jaebum back away to give him room to turn around and bend over, feeling Jaebum's hands remove his underwear. He listened to foil being ripped open, and then a clicking cap. He felt shuffling as Jaebum removed his own underwear and got closer, heat radiating onto Mark's back. Jaebum put a hand into Mark's hair, taking a deep breath as he grabbed a handful of the light-colored locks.

And then he began. 

And Mark knew that if at any point he'd be crazy enough to go to someone else, they would never compare.  

No matter who it was, who _he_ was at that point, they could never live up to it.

When Jaebum fucked, he _fucked_. Just like with how he did everything, he did it deliberately, with intention, with the utmost unrestraint and passion. Mark's breath was caught in his throat, overwhelmed with ecstasy, and when his ability to hold himself up faltered, Jaebum put a hand to his throat, using it to pull him upright until his back was to Jaebum's chest. Mark gasped, letting out a series of moans as Jaebum continued, his unyielding thrusts causing Mark to shake. He rested his sweaty forehead against the back of Mark's shoulder, his grip on the elder's neck getting tighter as their movements became more intense. 

"F-fuck," Jaebum breathed into Mark's ear, taking his arms and holding them against his back. "I thought I told you to keep your distance," He let go of Mark's throat to allow him to say something, but only got a passionate moan in return. "look what happened now, look what you're doing to me. But you're taking it so damn well, how often you do this?" 

Mark groaned at a particularly hard thrust, throwing his head back onto Jaebum's shoulder, feeling his hot mouth immediately attach itself to the fragile skin of his neck. He felt his need to show himself come back again, to make himself assertive in Jaebum's dominating presence. God, that man was like an ocean of compulsion, and if Mark didn't make an effort to resist it, he'd drown in desire. 

"Fuck off, I've done more than you think- ah!" He stopped talking to let out a whimper, hearing Jaebum chuckle behind him. 

"Then prove it." Mark heard the low growl in his ear before Jaebum abruptly stopped moving, both boys panting heavily, staying in place for a couple of seconds. 

Mark took a few deep breaths, feeling Jaebum let go of his arms and allowing him to fall onto his stomach on the bed, though Jaebum still stayed buried inside him. Slowly, Mark moved off of Jaebum before pushing himself backwards, shaking with pleasure as he increased his pace, his moans getting louder the longer he went. He felt Jaebum's hands all over him as he fucked himself on Jaebum's length, loving the feeling of having Jaebum watch him in that position. Suddenly, Jaebum pressed Mark down onto the bed, resting his whole body onto him as he began pounding into him. Mark cried out, his voice cracking as he moaned into the pillow under him, Jaebum's hands trailing from his hips up to his hands, interlocking their fingers and pressing them to the mattress. 

"Jae...Jaebum," Mark groaned, his breaths becoming increasingly high-pitched as he felt the bed pressing up onto his hard member, rubbing against it with each sinful movement that Jaebum made. 

"C'mon, Mark, lemme hear how much you like it, let the city know how good I am," Jaebum whispered, letting out a couple of grunts of his own as his movements became more rigid, harder and deeper inside Mark. Mark could hear some chatter and laughter in the streets below, and the thought of anyone hearing his and Jaebum's filthy acts only reinforced his impure desires. 

"Jaebum!" Mark exclaimed, listening to Jaebum's groans get louder, pattern breaking, hands holding onto Mark's tighter, teeth in Mark's neck. "Ugh- fuck, ah-" Mark screamed as he reached his limit, a sticky mess erupting below him, feeling overstimulation almost instantly, twitching as Jaebum continued. He worked to find his own release, later finishing inside Mark with a few final, hard thrusts and hot, shuddering moans into Mark's neck. 

"Fuck, oh God, _fuck_ ," Jaebum breathed, feeling Mark's quaking body below him. 

It took some time, but he finally pulled out of Mark, who turned over onto his back. Jaebum bit his lip at the sight of the white liquid on his bedsheets, at Mark's flushed face and disheveled hair, at the purple and red spots over his neck- at how _ruined_ Mark Tuan finally was, his chest rapidly rising and falling with his intense breaths, his eyes half-closed in the transcendence of his pleasure. He grabbed Mark's chin, pulling him in for a long kiss that left the elder's lips swollen.

"Love seeing you like this. Mine. _Mine_ ," he whispered before standing up and walking to his bathroom to shower. He peeked his head out after a minute or two to see Mark sitting the same way, in complete awe of what had happened. "You coming or not?" Jaebum asked from the bathroom doorway. Mark instantly jumped off the bed, running to join him. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so fucking long im sry it's my first ~full smut~ pls be gentle (jaebum definitely was NOT ayooo)
> 
> dont change ur outlook of me after reading these sins im still a pure person beliEVE ME PLEASE 
> 
> also i just realized that jaebum drove drunk in this chapter and i am fucking LIVID at myself for not catching it drunk drivers are the scummiest ppl ever pls don't u ever dare drive drunk smh im so disappointed i might change it later to them getting a cab or smth lol


	8. 0.8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung quits adderall, but he quits it completely. he needs to rely more heavily on jackson and his friends to keep his mind off the mental effects of the withdrawal- and yugyeom, bambam, and youngjae make it as easy as they can with full-day distractions of movie marathons and buffets of yummy food. jackson also meets youngjae, and the rift between mark and the rest of the boys- jackson and jinyoung included- is made more clear. jinyoung goes a full day by himself, and in the face of seeing the pills again realizes that quitting may not be as hard as it seems, as long as he still has his willpower and the people around him to help.
> 
> (IDK IF YOU CAUGHT THIS IN THE LAST CHAPTER: The buyer that Mark was selling to was Jinyoung)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i've received some pretty bad news lately which is why i may only be able to post on weekends pls don't think i'm being lazy or something, i will try to grind out the mark chapter this weekend, as well
> 
> also everything is fine it's just that i might be a lil preoccupied! 
> 
> ok enjoy this sad jinyoung chapter
> 
> but it's kind of happy sorta..? and pretty lighthearted near the end? maybe?
> 
> lol it's a whole-ass rollercoaster

"Why did you wait to tell me about this?" Jinyoung heard as soon as he walked into the apartment after his class that Monday.

His heart dropped into his stomach with dread, and then it shattered with desolation upon seeing the tears streaking Jackson's face. Upon seeing the pill bottle in his hand, filled with the newly-bought amphetamine. Jinyoung didn't say anything as his tongue swiped out across his dry lips in thought, eyes darting between the his shaking hands, the floor, and Jackson's heaving chest.

"I- I know what your pills look like normally, and these pills  _may_ be Adderall, sure, but these- they're white, and they- they're a generic brand, so..."

Jackson approached him, repressing frustrated sobs, his eyes closing tightly.

"So what the fuck is this, Jinyoung?" He whispered, the sharp tone of his words digging into Jinyoung's skin, drawing tears from his eyes as they looked down.

"It's exactly what it looks like," Jinyoung whispered in shame. "I was gonna tell you tonight, I-I swear on my life, Jackson." He didn't have the heart to look at Jackson's eyes.

"Fuck, it took you long enough, Jinyoung, it really did," Jackson scoffed. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the strands as he sniffled. "You think I'm fucking stupid? You think I haven't seen this shit before, that I was convinced it was just schoolwork that did this to you?" He took Jinyoung's bony wrist and held it up before dropping it, eyes darting all over Jinyoung's sunken ones. "I was trying so hard to get you to stop, to maybe...maybe pull yourself together, I didn't wanna scare you by bringing it up, so I gave you time, and I gave you space, and I gave you fucking everything. But you fucking went out and got _more_? You know what the fuck else could be in these things, huh?"

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung uttered, his voice thick with tears he'd rather not cry in front of an already hurt Jackson. "If it's too much, if...you don't wanna be with me anym-"

"Don't!" Jackson screamed, throwing the pill bottle against the wall so hard that the plastic shattered, sending the white pills scattering all over the kitchen floor as Jinyoung flinched. It was so unlike him to yell at Jinyoung, to express his discontent so violently. But Jinyoung had crossed a line with his words, and Jackson was enraged, he was destroyed, all because of him. "Do you even know me? You think I'd ever fucking leave you if you need help? You think I'd ever- I'd ever leave you at all?"

His voice broke, and so did Jinyoung as he burst into violent tears, nearly falling to his knees before catching himself on the counter, feeling his backpack slide off of his shoulders with a loud thud. He put his hands to his face and bawled into them loudly, wailing like a child who had just fallen. Jackson, despite his anger, slowly approached Jinyoung, pulling him into a hug as he began crying louder.

"I need you," he hiccuped into Jackson's chest, feeling a heartbroken rant start to make its way into the still air. "I- I need you because...I need a reason- a reason to live. You _can't_ ever leave me, Jackson, I'm so fucking pathetic, whenever you're gone I'm just so fucking sad and I need help because I can't function without you anymore unless a stupid fucking pill is in my system- unless I'm on _drugs_ for fuck's sake, but it's hurting you that I do this and I just don't know how the fuck I can stop, I need you so badly, much more than you'll ever need me, but I can't depend on you forever and that really scares-"

"Yes you can. You _can_ depend on me. I'm devoted to you, to your health and safety, your happiness. I need you, I need you strong and healthy, and I need you every day. I'll be here. Drop out if you need to, I can support us just fine. Hell, I can take you to work with me if that's what you want. I promise. We'll find a way, we always do." Jinyoung was catching his breath, crying into Jackson's soaked shirt. He nodded, feeling Jackson's shaking hand stroking his hair.

"I'm so sorry, Jackson," he bawled. Jackson only looked down at him and felt his own tears fall. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"Shh, I'm here."

Jackson hated himself for not mentioning it sooner, for letting Jinyoung fall so deep before confrontation came. For lying to himself, for hoping that maybe it _was_ just stress that changed Jinyoung so badly. His dedication for Jinyoung only seemed to grow, in spite of how hurt he was.

_I'm the one who should be sorry. I should've been there for you._

"Alright, if you feel yourself start to slip up, you know what to do," Jackson said before he headed back to work two days later, planting a warm kiss on Jinyoung's forehead. He stopped in front of the door, turning to Jinyoung, who was sitting on the counter. "Jinyoungie..."

"I'll be okay, I have been for the past few days with you here. It'll be hard, but I planned a whole day with my friends. I'm looking for happiness wherever I go. So go to work, don't be late. I love you," he smiled brightly, waving to Jackson, who left hesitantly. Jinyoung swung his feet from his spot on the counter, looking around. He felt dreadful to have sent Jackson off to work so worried. "So...what now?" he whispered to himself, looking at the time, which indicated that Yugyeom would come pick him up in 10 minutes.

He felt an incredible hunger all of a sudden, one of the downfalls of ending his use of Adderall. But no matter what, he wouldn't go back. He had survived the last few days completely without the pills, so he sure as hell didn't need them anymore. Jackson knew what would happen to Jinyoung's appetite after he stopped, so he had stocked the apartment with a lot of food during the two days he took off to look after Jinyoung. Jinyoung ate some chicken before walking and looking at his incredibly thin body in the mirror, touching his thighs and turning around to look at his back.

"I'll be back in no time," he murmured, walking over to eat a big slice of pizza. The feeling of emptiness was prevalent not only in his stomach, but his mind as well as he began staring at the table blankly. His mood would be all over the place for the coming weeks, he'd feel desolate, irritable, hopeless, inexplicably abrasive, all things he had warned Jackson about the day before. He knew he just had to brace himself. Yugyeom knocked a couple of minutes later, and Jinyoung picked up his backpack, walking to the door with an empty smile. 

Before they said anything, Yugyeom pulled him into a tight hug, and the two stayed like that for a little while. Jinyoung slowly hugged back, relaxing in the younger's arms. 

"I'm sorry," Yugyeom whispered. "I'm just not gonna lose you to this. Youngjae told us. We'll help you through it, Jinyoung."

"T-Thank you," Jinyoung breathed, his head on Yugyeom's shoulder. 

-

"Alright, alright, alright!" Bambam yelled as he saw Jinyoung and Yugyeom enter the dorm. "You ready for a fun time, man?" 

"No, he's not," Yugyeom playfully muttered, glaring at Jinyoung. "The whole car ride, he was Mr. Moody. If you were any more abrasive, you'd be the rough end of a sponge."

"We're here to fix that!" Youngjae exclaimed, running to Jinyoung and putting an arm around him, even if the elder looked annoyed. 

"Look, I know I'm gonna seem pissy today, that's just one of the effects, alright, punk?" He turned to Yugyeom, who stuck his tongue out at him. "If I happen to fall asleep out of nowhere, don't think I'm a wuss or something. I don't have fucking...prescription _cocaine_ in my system anymore."

The younger boys laughed at his uncharacteristically crude declaration before leading him to the couch, where they had a full buffet of food set out, along with a bunch of weird indie films on the T.V., just his style. Jinyoung smiled as they sat and made comments about which movie to watch first, with Bambam's inner filmmaking dork coming out to argue over the collection of Sundance winners who should be played first. Jinyoung and Youngjae rolled their eyes at his desire for good cinematography, as they insisted that a well-written story definitely trumps any fancy camera effects. As Bambam violently announced that both were crucial to a good movie, Yugyeom sighed as he clicked "play" on _West Side Story,_ only to get attacked in protest by all three other boys. 

"Say, where's your guys' roommate?" Jinyoung asked at a quiet part in the film adaptation of _Rent_ , which was a compromise for all four of them to enjoy. 

"Oh, Mark?" Youngjae asked, looking at Yugyeom and Bambam.

"In his stupid boss' stupid Upper West Side penthouse," Yugyeom rolled his eyes as he scoffed out a disgruntled answer, playing with Bambam's hair. 

"Uh, sorry I asked," Jinyoung muttered, turning to Youngjae. "I spend a lot of time here, and I haven't ever seen him. Where does he work that keeps him so busy all the time?"

"Oh-" Youngjae stuttered, eyes widening. 

"Corporate," Bambam blurted, nodding knowingly. "Just...corporate stuff. Yugyeom and I work there, too."

"Is it any good?" Jinyoung asked curiously, and the boys started praying that he'd just stop asking questions.

"It pays very well-" 

"But it's terrible. Makes me want to just do nothing whenever I'm there, hours are dreadful- they make us work only at night, the higher-ups are assholes, the lunch tastes like garbage, so if you're considering ever getting a job there, just don't," Yugyeom interrupted Bambam as Jinyoung's eyebrows furrowed. 

"Yeah, don't work there. Work with me, the coffee shop is hiring, y'know," Youngjae offered.

"I...wasn't looking for a job, I was just asking..." Jinyoung trailed off, turning back to Yugyeom. "You okay, buddy? You seem to have a grudge against that place." Yugyeom only bitterly crossed his arms, his face breaking out into a smile as he looked back to the movie.

" _What happened to Benny, what happened to his heart_?" He sang, to the annoyance of the other boys.

 

_There's a life that's not to be wasted._

_Somewhere, sometime, I'll know that it's mine_

_That it has purpose_

_That I matter_

_Because of you._

_Your big hearts and resonating laughter_

_Do more good to me than my old friend ever has_

_And without the downfalls_

_Like a never-ending happiness, not obtained artificially._

_And my love on which I so strongly depended-_

_Thank you for making it easier on him now_

_The weight of my deteriorating world_ _i_ _s now distributed amongst the four of you_

_And I can rest_

_I can rest._

_-J.Y._

They stayed in the dorm together the entire day, with Bambam and Yugyeom coming and going for their respective classes at 6PM, Jinyoung and Youngjae watching whichever movies they pleased as they reveled in their lenient 4-class week. When the two younger boys returned with bags of Taco Bell in their hands and victorious smiles on their faces, Youngjae and Jinyoung burst into excited laughter, running to the dining table.

Later, as Jinyoung rested with his head on Youngjae's shoulder and watched an obscure French film, he looked around the dorm, at Yugyeom and Bambam chasing each other and play-fighting, at the houseplants lined up along the windowsill. One, two, three, four. One for all of the boys living there, all in different stages of life and death. The nearly perfect one was definitely the ever-careful Youngjae's; the succulent which was somehow managing to look dried up was Yugyeom's: very low-maintenance but still pretty. Bambam's was an intricate, beautiful plant, though you could never tell upon seeing just how dead it was. Had Yugyeom picked the same plant, it'd be as brown and gross as Bambam's. Jinyoung's eyes moved to the final plant, the one he couldn't match to any of his friends. It was carefully maintained, but it showed the beginnings of decay. It slightly slumped towards the ground, its edges starting to brown. Jinyoung blinked a couple of times, trying to bring himself back to reality. 

It felt like he was from the outside looking in. Yugyeom and Bambam seemed to move in slow motion, and the sound of their laughter and the movie seemed distant. He looked up at Youngjae's face to see if he recognized that something was different, too, but he looked the same, unconcerned. Jinyoung turned back to the movie before yawning and feeling himself drift off to a deep sleep. 

-

_"Mrs. Park, it looks like your son seems to have a very irregular heartbeat. We have found that after administering a small dosage of a relaxing medication and a couple of breathing exercises designed to lower heart rate, it still turned out to be 100 beats per minute."_

_Jinyoung looked up at his mom with scared eyes as she put a comforting hand on the little boy's shoulder, looking back to what the doctor had to say._

_"It's nothing too concerning, there's a chance of it actually waning out as he gets older- but his heart is insufficient for now. I'd recommend keeping him away from too much cardio or caffeine, but keep in mind to at least give him a little bit of cardio each day to help his heart get stronger."_

_The following few years were ones of heart monitors and tests, and spells of light-headedness when he was just doing the simplest tasks. But after adolescence, the symptoms faded to nothing, and the heart condition became forgotten, among many other things. It was just a little bump in the road in his childhood, nothing that should have transcended into his adult life, nothing to be worried about._

_-_

"Uh, hello?" Jackson quietly said as he approached the dorm room, reading off the address and number that Jinyoung texted him. 

"Hi," Youngjae smiled, opening the door wider and allowing Jackson to step inside. 

"Nice to finally meet you, I'm Jackson." The two boys shook hands, and Jackson smiled upon spotting Jinyoung, sleeping soundly on the couch. "Thank you for taking care of him, he really means the world to me."

"I noticed. The way he talks about you guys, it's incredible." Youngjae sat, gesturing for Jackson to do the same, and the older boy sat beside Jinyoung's sleeping figure, arm around him. 

"Sorry for keeping you up too late, I couldn't get out of work earlier." Jackson noticed that the lights were off, and one of the bedroom doors were closed, only candlelight illuminating the living area of the dorm. 

"Ah, it's alright, I usually find myself waiting up for my friend Mark, either way. I'd like to thank you for taking care of Jinyoung, as well. He's really, really loved here. We live with two freshmen, and he's the most caring guy to them, I mean really, they're usually brats but they'd do anything for him. And the other way around, they found it pretty hard to fit in, but he gave them so much advice and friendship. You know him, the wise philosophical kind."

"That's my Jinyoungie," Jackson whispered with a quiet laugh, staring down at his fiancé and blinking a few times. "Always one to care."

"We fed him really well, by the way," Youngjae mentioned, glancing at the discarded Taco Bell wrappers. Jackson's smile grew.

"That withdrawal appetite can be a real hassle, eh?"

"Well, it gave us an excuse to be unhealthy. I talked to our professor about our 12PM tomorrow, told him Jinyoung may not be able to make it. Just in case he doesn't want to go tomorrow, I figured we could make it as easy as possible on him."

"I'll tell him in the morning," Jackson said as he looked up at the clock. "Alright, I'll get out of your hair. Thank you again, I hope you don't mind helping him out through this each time I'm away."

"It's our pleasure, seriously," Youngjae insisted with a bright smile, giving Jackson a tight hug. Jackson and Youngjae said their final goodbyes as Jackson gathered Jinyoung's stuff, picking him up in his arms and exiting the dorm. 

On his way back to the car, Jackson saw two guys, one of them pushing the other against the hood of a Maserati. He squinted to see if it was an inconveniently timed assault that he had to stop, but he decided not to once he got closer. They were not fighting, but were instead in the middle of an intense make-out session. 

" _Fuck- okay, now I gotta go, really, Jaebum_ ," the guy who was pressed up against the car said, and the one on top of him- Jaebum, apparently, laughed, moving over to let him go. As the first guy began leaving, he turned abruptly to kiss his partner again. " _Okay, sorry, that was the last one._ "

Jackson giggled, watching him start walking again only to have his wrist grabbed by Jaebum, who pulled him close. 

" _I get the last one_ ," Jackson heard from the Maserati before looking down at Jinyoung, who was snoring in his arms, a bit of drool escaping his lips. 

"And I thought _we_ were bad," he chuckled, completing the journey back to their car. 

-

Jinyoung felt himself receive a kiss on his lips upon his awakening, though he was only half-awake. The dark dawn sky shone through the white curtains as he felt Jackson talking to him into the sloppy kiss.

"Class is cancelled, Youngjae called you out. Just rest again today," He heard his boyfriend murmur, nodding in his groggy state. 

"M'kay," he groaned out a tired reply, eyes closed. He felt Jackson ruffle his hair before he opened one eye in annoyance to see Jackson start to giggle. "Ugh, see you later, bye, have a nice day at work."

"Ah, you jerk. Bye, love you," Jackson called over his shoulder as he left. 

"...I'm sleepy still," Jinyoung whispered before putting the covers over his head, continuing his sleep until he achieved a grand total of 17 hours from that and the night before. 

After waking up, Jinyoung couldn't shake the feeling of grogginess for a couple of hours, even if he took a walk in the brisk air of the city, even if he went to Youngjae's workplace for a coffee. He then realized, that of course, Youngjae was in the class that he so graciously got Jinyoung out of, but that didn't stop him from sucking down a couple of iced coffees before realizing they wouldn't do much at all. 

"Considering the fact that I'm going to some weak-ass coffee after being on amphetamine, I wouldn't expect much, but shit. Might as well be drinking water," he mumbled around his straw as he read his book. The barista glanced over at him, eyebrow raised. Jinyoung only rolled his eyes as he continued reading before realizing he was in public and should cut out the rude behavior.

He was on his third coffee as he finished up the tenth reading of _Catcher in the Rye_ in his lifetime _._ Jinyoung didn't order more, because he was a human with a digestive system that couldn't handle it, but he did indulge in some waffles and croissants, no regard to how much he was eating. 

"C'mon, Holden, you depressing fuck," he sighed, closing the book which, unsurprisingly, didn't make him feel much better. He begrudgingly looked at the hipsters who sat with their Macbooks at the wooden tables. "Phonies," he whispered before realizing that maybe he shouldn't have re-read the book when he was feeling particularly moody.   

Back at the house, hours before Jackson came back from work, Jinyoung was looking in the pantry, struggling to reach the tortilla chips at the top. 

"Come on," he grunted, stretching up further. He reached the chips, but caused a lot of different snacks to come tumbling down with them. Jinyoung sighed as he bent down to pick everything up, but stopped as he saw a familiar orange bottle. It was taped back together with duct tape, black Sharpie scribbling over his information. 

_For Disposal! Rx Levoaphetamine/Dextroamphetamine 2 fills, NYPD 24th Precinct_

Jinyoung held the bottle in his shaking hands as he saw a date of disposal on the bottle, it was a couple of months away. 

"Take-Back Day..." he read quietly. "Why couldn't he have hid it somewhere further from me? Jesus, he can be stupid sometimes..." he looked at the original blue prescription pills mixed in with the illegal white ones, reading over what Jackson wrote again. "2 fills...he's just gonna tell them they're all prescription? Lying to the police to protect my dumb ass..."

He looked at the bottle curiously. He wanted to take one, as he felt so unproductive and out of it without them. He wanted one, because his eyes were so tired and his unhappy mood, though accommodated to by Jackson, really put a damper on things. He didn't want to trouble Jackson any more, and he didn't want to show his sadness to his hardworking fiancé. He wanted to smile again, and to accept everything, and to love life. He wanted to be _himself_ again. 

_So that's why you should give it time, Jinyoung._

With a sigh, he organized the pantry like it was before, placing the pills back as if they were never touched, pretending as if he never saw them. 

\----

there is a place for author's notes but this is important!! take-back day is a real thing, it's where law enforcement officials collect all unused, leftover prescription pills and dispose of them. keeping the drugs around can be harmful for anyone prone to addiction, but flushing them or throwing them in the trash can cause negative effects on the water supply, general environment, and wildlife. the next national date is april 28th, if you or anyone you know could make use of this, please do! this is probably extra and unnecessary as hell but i felt too compelled to promo this lol

https://www.deadiversion.usdoj.gov/drug_disposal/takeback/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok why is ~rude withdrawal jinyoung~ a big mood lol it's so accurate to irl jinyoung he's so damn petty i cry  
> and also yeah SURPRISE jackson knew since like chapter 6 but was hoping jinyoung would find reasons to quit yikes!!
> 
> also jackson was too damn understanding and kind and supportive WHEN WILL REAL BOYS EVER
> 
> and also technically jackson WAS supposed to be like "jinyoung where the hell did u get these i know they're not prescription tell me who ur dealer is i'm gonna arrest him" but like...idk he was hoping it was a one time thing and wasn't about to have the love of his life get caught up in an illegal drug possession case what a moral dilemma 
> 
> UNLESS i have him figure out where the drugs came from and he FUCKING ARRESTS MARKBUM OMG A CONCEPT 
> 
> no no that's too much
> 
> maybe 
> 
> hmm
> 
> :)))


	9. 0.9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark and jaebum are happy together, but mark is bothered by what he's missing out on at the dorms. youngjae confronts mark about all the time he's spending away. yugyeom tries to encourage a distance between mark and jaebum, but mark won't accept it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello, last time we saw markbum they were going at it like some damn rabbits lmao
> 
> this is a shitty chapter im so sry and why does almost every chapter start with morning sunlight streaming through curtains 
> 
> markjae sound like bickering parents im crying lol mark's like the scumbag husband who's always working and cheating on his wife im shook
> 
> literally i didn't update for so damn long just to give this trash lol I AM SO SORRY
> 
> this fic is en route to the not-so-distant end! two/three more chapters left!

Bright sunlight travelled through the large windows as Mark felt weight shifting in the large bed. He tracked Jaebum's movements as he quickly buttoned down a pristine white shirt, putting on a belt while smirking over at Mark, spent on the mattress. 

"Hey," he chuckled, bending over and pulling Mark closer to him. "Well done last night," Jaebum whispered against his lips in a messy kiss as Mark giggled. "You alright?"

"Mhmm," Mark hummed in response, still groggy and a little dazed from the night before. "Can't wait for you to come back."

"I've only got a couple daytime meetings and no further obligations. I'll be back soon," Jaebum said as his eyes travelled down Mark's body, engulfed in one of Jaebum's sweaters. "Damn shame I gotta go," he sighed, walking away to pick out a tie as he heard Mark hurry to follow him, bouncing to his feet from the bed. He laughed, feeling Mark hug him from behind. 

"Hurry back," he whined into the fabric of Jaebum's shirt. Jaebum turned and bit down on his lip as he spotted the bruises forming on Mark's neck. He grabbed the elder's chin, meeting him in a fast kiss. 

"Be ready for me, alright?" he whispered before he pulled away, walking to the front door. Mark stared at the door for a little, wondering why he felt so weird in Jaebum's absence. He stared at his phone to see several texts from Youngjae, all at the late hours of the night. 

_i'm not going to wait past 1am today, sorry._

_i_ _'m too sleepy lately_   _lol_

_see you whenever_

"Fuck, Youngjae. I'm sorry," he muttered as he noticed that his friend must've felt hurt upon seeing that Mark wasn't coming home that night. "I'll be there tonight."

-

Mark opened the door to the dorm in the post-midnight hours, muttering out a greeting to Youngjae, who he thought would be waiting on the couch. He slowed down his movements as he removed his coat, noticing that Youngjae was sitting on the dining table with his back to Mark.   
  
"Hey, what's up?" Mark asked in a low voice, watching Youngjae's head raise quickly as he was startled awake. When he turned to see Mark, his face dropped. 

"Sit, yeah?" He asked, and Mark sat across from him. Youngjae rubbed his tired eyes, sighing as he remembered his 8AM class for the next day. "Look, we should talk."  
  
"About...?"

"Please don't pretend not to know. When was the last time the four of us spent any time together anymore? Bam and Yugyeom miss you, they're so irritable all of a sudden. And... _I_ miss you." He watched as Mark's distant eyes clearly focused on him, all attention brought to the situation as he sat up in his chair. "I mean, now they're depending on another friend of ours to be there. Like you were. And this friend, he's going through a tough time that the three of us should help him through. But I'm scared they'll need him too much, and I just...don't wanna stress him out."

"I've been busy with work. Jaebum's giving me a lot to do. I can try to maybe come home earlier, or..." he looked around the candlelit dorm.

The indoor slippers sat on a rack, three pairs in total. Bambam's pink ones, Yugyeom's red, and Mark's pale blue ones, as Youngjae wore his yellow ones on his feet. Mark looked down at the new Versace ones he had, while the old ones remained up there. Slowly, he turned his head towards the kitchen, looking at two mugs on the counter next to the sink, waiting to be washed as Youngjae held his own mug next to him on the table. Separated from them was Mark's mug, untouched, sitting in the slightly ajar cabinet. He turned back to the living area and looked at the plants on the windowsill, seeing how his was starting to die.

Mark felt so out of place and unordinary in the unchanging dorm, lined with memories and indications of the strong friendships within.

He pursed his lips together before looking at Youngjae again.

"I'm...I'm sorry, Youngjae. You know how much I love all you guys...right?" 

"I know," Youngjae said softly, eyes harboring a sad twinkle in them as he glanced at Mark's face, red from the cold he had briefly walked in. "Does he...treat you well?"

There wasn't an answer for a long time as Mark only looked at the flickering candles in front of him, sighing contently. His smile made an appearance but he held it back at the realization of what he missed out on at the dorm.

"...Yes, he does." Youngjae gave a slow nod to the reply, picking up his black coffee and talking a sip of it. He furrowed his eyebrows, he didn't recall how cold the coffee got in the time he spent waiting for Mark.

"Does he make sure you're safe?" 

"As safe as I can be in that business," Mark responded, eyes steering off to the side, looking at the four couch pillows, which sat side by side. 

"And...does he support your dreams?" Youngjae questioned, seeing Mark's blank expression. "N-neurology...?" Youngjae's voice cracked a bit. Maybe it was just how tired he was, or maybe it was sadness because he saw the rift between him and Mark, or it could've been fear that Mark didn't immediately recognize his longtime dream when asked about it. 

"He doesn't believe I'll stick it out in neurology, but he still pays the tuition and picks up any books or medical articles he thinks I'd be interested in studying, so..."

"Don't grow too dependent on that guy. Regarding the fact that you're rarely here, just do better, alright?" Mark's eyes widened at the sudden attitude, watching Youngjae stand up, chug his coffee, and trudge towards his bedroom door, turning over his shoulder. "You definitely could've just gotten a job at the coffee shop, jackass."

"O...kay," Mark murmured, watching Youngjae leave to go to bed. He stood up, unbuttoning his shirt on his way to his own bedroom, stopping halfway to kick off his Versace slippers into the corner of the dorm as he turned to retrieve his original blue ones. 

-

"Rooftop. Now," Yugyeom uttered, trying to blink back his tears. He looked at Mark's scared eyes, he looked at the way Bambam's clenched fist paused in the air at Yugyeom's loud scream just seconds before. Bambam got off of Mark slowly, standing and walking over to his friend to quietly apologize for what he saw. Yugyeom could see that Bambam was shocked as much as he was. 

"He's not the same. You see it too, right? I'm sorry Gyeommie, but he started-"

"Mark, I t-told you," Yugyeom breathed with his eyes pressed closed. "to go to the rooftop. _Now_." his voice cracked as he listened to shuffling as Mark slowly got up from the floor and Bambam retreated to his and Yugyeom's room. 

Yugyeom waited until Mark exited the dorm before opening his eyes, feeling tears immediately roll down his cheeks. Slowly, he let himself drop to his knees, crying into his hands as quietly as he could. He sobbed and felt his lungs burning as if they were on fire, his throat rough with nearly silent bawls. He hoped that Bambam wouldn't hear and blame himself. After a couple of minutes, he shakily stood up and walked to the front door to meet Mark, the events playing back in his head. 

_Youngjae was at work, leaving the dorm as, essentially, a boxing ring. It was the first time that Yugyeom and Bambam could see Mark outside of work for at least a week. The three had been having a painfully silent breakfast, before Bambam decided to ask about Jaebum, or, more specifically, if Jaebum had finally gotten bored with Mark, and that was the reason he was back._

_Mark retaliated in Jaebum's defense, and Bambam took one look at the badly-concealed pang of sadness on Yugyeom's face before exploding, letting both his and Yugyeom's anger be heard. The two became increasingly violent, leaving Yugyeom alone at the table as they stood up, pacing around the living room and shouting. Yugyeom listened to the terrible insults hurled at each other, and held his breath. This was usual for Mark. It was same old Mark, the crazy Mark that they so lovingly hated. The Mark that Yugyeom looked up to, the Mark that made Yugyeom's heart race a little faster, his smile spread a little wider. Defensive, wonderful, quarrelsome Mark. But what he was fighting for was different. He was fighting for justification of a change that only he wanted. He was fighting himself away from Yugyeom, Youngjae, and Bambam. Straight out of Yugyeom's grasp, he was gone, like he was traveling to the distant stars just to end up stuck in space._

_Yugyeom watched the pained expression on Bambam's face as he delivered punch after angry punch, he watched as Mark began to realize the nature of their argument, he watched as the eldest let go of his defenses, lying plainly on the floor. Bambam began to hesitate, his breaths becoming shallow with tears he'd rather not cry in front of everyone. He hesitated, but he didn't stop. He may have been sad, but he was still angry with Mark. There were still things to be said. The happiness was still interrupted. There was still an open window for more bad things._

_And that was when Yugyeom screamed. He yelled at the top of his lungs, so loudly that he thought he'd die, telling them to stop at that instant. Bambam stopped with a shaky sigh, whipping his head to the side to see Yugyeom's tearful eyes._

Yugyeom sighed, pushing open the heavy door to the rooftop and seeing Mark sitting at the old patio table, staring off into the city. 

"I'm the youngest," Yugyeom immediately declared, watching Mark stand up. "I should be the one doing stupid shit. I _was_ the one doing stupid shit, but you managed to beat me. I'm supposed to be happy and unknowing- I'm not supposed to watch my best friends beat each other up."

"You guys are incredibly important to me, Yug. That's why I'll do better, I promise."

"And him?" Yugyeom said, blinking and trying to calm his stinging eyes. "You think...you think he loves you?" Yugyeom observed the slight annoyance in Mark's eyes at Yugyeom's disdain for Jaebum. Upon seeing Mark's silent disapproval, Yugyeom could've sworn he felt something inside of him die, a part of his hope shattering right at Mark's feet. Yugyeom fluttered his eyes closed, trying not to let it hurt too much.

_He_

_loves_

_Jaebum._

"I know that he does, I know that he loves me. He's different than how you guys see him. He started the company on the basis of wanting to inform the users, you know that? He has a good heart. And he takes care of me."

"You need to know that all you're doing is getting your heart broken," Yugyeom said, feeling his face become red. "I'm the only one who's supposed to...to do that. Get my heart broken." He stared down at his feet, biting his lip nervously as tears surfaced again. "You know me. Stupid, naïve, baby Yugyeom, always falling for the wrong ones. Always...watching them go." 

"Wait a minute, Yug..." Mark whispered in shock, stepping closer as Yugyeom stepped back, refusing to meet the elder's eyes. "I'm so fucking sorry, I had no idea-"

"This," Yugyeom abruptly began, cutting Mark off. "has nothing to do with me. You're digging yourself into a hole, and once he hurts you, you're never gonna be the same."

"Please trust me," Mark pleaded, watching Yugyeom's eyes flicker off to the side. "Yug," he whispered, taking the younger's hand tightly into his, prompting him to look into Mark's eyes instead. "Please."

"Alright."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is??? pretty bad lol i am so damn sorry haha ik most readers are here for markbum but i feel like yugyeom's tragic-ass kinda confession on the rooftop saved it lol it gave a different vibe to the story that isnt despicable drug lord feels, repetitive sexual tension, unnecessarily intense self-disdain, or poorly-written and misplaced comic relief lol
> 
> but did u notice the whole "mark felt weird in jaebum's absence" in the beginning? REMIND YOU OF ANYONE???? OHOHOH


	10. 1.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung's pov.   
> 12:30PM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very sorry for what i'm about to do
> 
> first (and only) chapter that is in a character's pov, this is jinyoung's inner monologue

Jackson. 

I'm sorry. 

I don't know how it happened this way. Was there something I could do to prevent this? I should have waited a couple of months. I should've forgotten it.

I did. I _did_ forget, so I don't know why. I don't know why I'm laying on the floor, suffering a heart attack at age 23. I don't know why, all of a sudden, I forgot every reason I had for quitting, why I didn't just flush them down the toilet. This is not what I wanted. Had I wanted to die, you would've been holding me and stroking my hair and I'd be telling you I loved you. Any other way to go is a nightmare.

The honest truth is, I could still save myself, maybe call an ambulance right now. And then I can only think of the disappointment I feel in myself, not only the monumental disappointment of the relapse but the daily things I struggle with. The battle to love myself even when you're not there is a battle I've fought for far too long. It's not something I'd want to continue. The thought of never seeing your smile again is enough to get me to move, but I can't find my phone. I can't find anything save for my thoughts. My eyes are losing their energy to stay open, I can only hope that somehow I'll hear the melodies of your voice in my fading memory. 

Once Youngjae shows you the message, please don't be disappointed. I was hoping he'd maybe reply back to my "I think I just overdosed" text with a worried set of directions, but the reply never came- he was working, and I had forgotten. I just took it as a sign that it really was time for me to go. But I'm going with a heavy load of qualms, they're weighing me down more than my sorrowful mind ever did. I never got to marry you. I never got to tell you how much I loved you- oh, God, how I loved you- one last time. I never got to hear little feet pitter-pattering and tiny voices calling me "dad" as we argued who they looked most like, even though we'd adopt. There are so many things left unsaid, so many things I wanted to achieve. 

There will be no one for you to come home to. There will be nobody to save you from being lonely. There will be nobody to help you through this, and I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking selfish. Please don't be upset. I'll miss you so much. I'd do it all again for you, I'd suffer double the pain for you. Given the choice, I'd live just as I would die for you. But my heart is reaching the slowest pace I've ever felt, and my hands are cold, and I know it's over.

My dreams appear in my final sequence of thoughts, my mind recalling those most important to me, those who'd be so unbearably torn up by this- mom and dad, my sister- remember to take good care of them. My future goals crack to pieces amongst them all, falling across the void in shimmering fragments. It was spectacularly gut-wrenching. If I had all the time in the world, I could never collect the pieces and put them back together. I wasn't able to complete them either way, it wasn't surprising. But goddamn, it was disappointing. 

I'll go knowing you loved me, and that's all I could ask for. 

This is where it ends. 

So let me rest.


	11. 1.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mark and yugyeom are on their way to work, but an unsettling text from youngjae throws yugyeom and bambam completely off-track. mark sees the reason he never wanted to start working for jaebum in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 45 degrees fahrenheit is about 7 degrees celsius btw
> 
> Rich Asshole Jaebum™ rly shines in the final scene of this chapter lol

"This is nice, isn't it?" Bambam called over his shoulder to Mark, who playfully rolled his eyes. Yugyeom sighed from his spot in the driver's seat, rolling down all the windows. It was a heat wave, it seemed- 45 degrees in those winter months felt excruciatingly warm. Mark just chuckled as he reclined in the back seat, feeling the sunlight on his face. 

"What do we need to go in early for, again?" Mark asked, closing his eyes. 

"Bam and I need to take inventory, then we're free for the rest of the day and night. Jaebum will probably give you something to do," Yugyeom said, his voice turning to a bitter grumble near the end. 

"I can think of a few things," Bambam joked, getting an angry stare in return from both of the boys. "Sorry."

They drove in comfortable silence, Yugyeom's sex jams playing through the speakers loudly. It was so like them, to just forget all the tension and move on. They always forgave, no matter how many violent fights Youngjae needed to break up. Bambam suddenly turned the volume all the way down, cutting Chris Brown off in the middle of his lyrics. 

Something bad had happened, the silence pouring into their waiting ears as Bambam's shuddering breaths escaped through his parted lips.  
  
"G-Gyeommie," Bambam gasped out, and Mark watched as Yugyeom looked over to Bambam's worried eyes.

The shift in mood was abrupt, but Mark could tell that something was seriously wrong. Bambam relayed a text from Youngjae to Yugyeom in a grave, tearful voice, and even though Mark didn't know what was happening, a lump grew in his throat and time began to slow down. Something about Youngjae being at work, but getting a text from someone else, and knowing that something was the matter so he just had to check his phone. That person needed help and Youngjae was getting out of work _right now,_ but _right now_ wasn't going to be enough. Yugyeom's hands gripped the wheel as he sped up, turning the car around and letting out a sob, weaving the three boys through the busy streets. Bambam shoved his face into his hands and began crying quietly, Yugyeom too busy driving to wipe his tears. 

"It's been three minutes since he got the text," Bambam cried out. "Please hurry."

They pulled up to an unfamiliar apartment building, and Mark followed them into it, not questioning it once. He went up a couple of floors and Yugyeom frantically pounded on a door before opening it and bursting through into the apartment. 

"Jinyoung!" He screamed, running inside and looking around. "Jinyoung, oh God!" Bambam shoved past Mark as he felt his own steps slow down in shock upon seeing a young man on the floor, lips beginning to become blue. Bambam dialed 9-1-1, hands shaking and tears pouring. Yugyeom grabbed onto the boy's collar, shaking him. "C'mon, wake up, please wake up! Don't do this to us! Don't do this to Jackson, please..."

There was a journal opened up on the kitchen table, thoughts and stories scrawled out in expensive ink. There were two coffee mugs together in the sink, two pairs of house slippers at the doorway, two chairs at the dining table. There were ten picture frames on the wall of the guy on the floor along with another man, hugging and smiling and loving each other.

Zero. 

There were zero pills left in the bottle discarded on the cold floor next to him. The very bottle that Mark had sold him, the bottle that may have very well caused his demise. 

"Move, Yugyeom," Mark whispered, approaching the three guys. 

"J-Jinyoung," Yugyeom bawled as Mark knelt beside the body, grabbing his wrist to find a pulse. He scanned the chest for any movement before leaning over him, seeing no breaths taken. 

His eyes filled with tears and he was crying by the time he started the chest compressions. He recalled the sorrow in this boy's eyes. _Jinyoung_. He recalled how he didn't want Mark to know his name, how it wasn't personal, it was just a $20 bottle of Adderall, for Christ's sake. But it _was_ personal. All too personal. He was on the floor, without oxygen for at least a minute, Mark assumed from a look at him. This was because of Mark. This was directly his fault. He was going to die because of what Mark sold him. 

_I know your name now. I can only hope to know it for longer._

"...25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30," Mark counted, sobbing the last few numbers as his voice broke. He bent down and gave Jinyoung a couple of breaths, listening to Bambam crying into the phone to the emergency operator. Yugyeom was gone, running frantically to find an AED at the operator's request. Mark did another set of compressions, pressing down so hard his hands were crushing each other, the pain radiating through his wrists. "C'mon," he panted, and Yugyeom was back from the lobby with the AED as he set it out for Mark. 

Mark's hands were shaking and he quickly ripped the plastic off of the pads as Yugyeom unbuttoned Jinyoung's shirt. They stood back as the AED began charging, delivering a shock to Jinyoung's body. He pulsed once, and Mark went back to compressions and then to give him another set of breaths. While Mark was in the middle of giving the second breath, paramedics rushed in and pulled him away, even though he found it hard to stop his efforts. He noticed that Youngjae was at the doorway as they got Jinyoung onto a stretcher and took him away, the sound of sirens causing the other tenants in the building to exit their apartments with curiosity.

It ended as soon as it began.

One moment they were screaming and crying, the next they were inaudibly sobbing in a stunned silence.

One moment Park Jinyoung was alive, the next his heart wasn't beating.

One moment Mark had an idea of where he was heading, the next his life was hurled off-track.

He wanted to get up, to have Youngjae hold him and take care of their two younger friends, he wanted to apologize and admit his guilt, to be told that it was all going to be okay. He wanted to just go back to the dorm and forget, to pretend as though it never happened as all four of them joked around together. But he could only sit still, watching as Yugyeom and Bambam slowly trudged to Youngjae, devoid of all expression in the shock that they suffered from the sudden event.

Youngjae's wide eyes looked at Bambam and Yugyeom's blotchy, tearful faces. He looked terrified, his hair disheveled as he still stood in his work uniform, breathing heavily in front of them. He didn't say anything as his face suddenly scrunched up with hopeless tears, opening his arms and feeling the two boys crowd around him in a desperately tight hug. Mark sat on his knees, shaking as he listened to their loud sobbing. Tears streamed from his wide, still eyes, his hands pulsing with pain, heart tremoring with anger. 

Maybe there was hope for Jinyoung. Maybe. Mark could see from his training that Jinyoung had a chance, but there was a big possibility that he'd be gone, and his best friends would suffer from this loss. Not only would they suffer, but so would Mark's sanity. So would everyone Jinyoung had ever been loved by, and from the one interaction Mark had ever had with him, Mark knew that Jinyoung would leave behind many, many people who loved him. 

-

Jackson Wang was a kind person. He was loving, and easily affected by things, even when he tried his best to be otherwise. His happiness depended greatly on the feeling of those around him, on their safety and health. That was what Mark could gather as the police chief tearfully listened to what Youngjae had to tell him at the hospital. Mark should've felt fear in his heart upon seeing Jackson's shiny badge and holstered gun, but the matter at hand was exponentially more important. He watched as Jackson's face lost its color, as he dropped to his knees and cried into his hands, shaking his head in denial. 

Mark later followed Jackson and the other boys into the hospital room, where Jinyoung was in bed, his lungs only inflating and heart only beating due to a machine. His skin was pale and devoid of healthy colors, his eyes calmly closed. Mark turned away quickly, trying not to vomit as a lump grew in his throat. 

_You did this to him._

"Hey," Jackson whispered suddenly, turning around to look at Mark. "You saved his life for now. Enough so I...could say goodbye, at least. I know he can't survive this, or at least not feasibly. He never was a tough one, but it's ok. No matter what happens, I'll know that you tried to save him, and that's all I could ask for. Thank you," he held out a trembling hand to Mark, who only looked down at it, tears pouring. 

"Please..." he whispered, eyes flickering to the boy in the bed, close to death. "Please don't say that." Mark closed his eyes tightly, turning and walking out into the hallway. He didn't stop there, walking out of the hospital and quickly hailing a cab to the nightclub, regret and apprehension coursing through his veins.  

Youngjae stared at the doorway, feeling his eyes fill with tears again. 

"He's really hurt by this," he said, trying to explain to Jackson. "He feels as though he didn't do enough, he'll never get it through his head that-" Youngjae's throat closed up as he tried to hold back a rush of tears. "that sometimes you can't always save someone."

-

Upon entering the nightclub, Mark made his way immediately to the back, this entrance becoming unfamiliar to him due to his introduction to many others, thanks to Jaebum. He spotted Jaebum as he walked out of a corridor and into the lobby. He was walking with his hands in his pockets, speaking to Robert before Robert disappeared into a conference room with a wave to Jaebum, who had spotted Mark at that moment. He initially smiled in surprise, taking a hand out of his pocket to wave, but his smile faded as Mark walked closer, showing Jaebum his tearful face. 

"Woah, woah, what's the matter?" Jaebum whispered as he approached, his hand lowering to grab Mark's chin in concern.

Mark shoved his hand away and pushed him into a wall, grunting as he did so, his voice cracking. Jaebum didn't do anything except worry, eyes frantically scanning Mark's face for an explanation. Security guards began to take notice, but Jaebum rested further against the wall and put up a hand to stop them as they tried to get closer. Mark breathed heavily, grabbing Jaebum's collar and trying to say something before dropping his head onto Jaebum's shoulder, crying louder, his torso shaking. 

He struggled to say anything, only uttering a couple of syllables before bursting into tears again as Jaebum patiently watched him, stroking his back. 

"I...I can't do this anymore," Mark managed to cry out, feeling Jaebum's hand stutter in its movements, finally halting on his back. 

"What do you mean?" Jaebum whispered. 

"I'm done with this business. I'm...done with you." 

"With...me?" Jaebum questioned and Mark brought his head up, looking at Jaebum in the eyes as his vision blurred. 

"I want nothing to do with this place. And I can't be done with it if I love you this much."

"Mark, what happened?"

"Please understand me. I'm sorry," Mark said as he turned around and left. Jaebum reached out for him, but he was gone. 

-

"You fucking brat," Robert growled at Jaebum. "What the fuck is the meaning of this? Are you really giving all of this up just for some Ivy League kid? I didn't know you were this fucking pathetic."

"Do as I say. Liquidate the Vermont and Michigan properties. Take this check and pay off the employees, thank them for their work, and kindly direct them to Aaron if they need a new job. I doubt the majority of them agree with my concern for the customers, anyway," Jaebum sighed, looking out of the window in his office, listening to Robert pacing around in frustration. 

"Do you have any fucking idea about the shit I've done for you?" Robert questioned, causing Jaebum to look over his shoulder. "You're nothing without this company, you're out of luck ever since you left Aaron."

"What have you done for me? Your job? And I've got some stuff set up, you can choose to join me if you want. But if you don't, that's going to be the last of me you'll ever see."  
  
"Like hell I'm joining you," Robert scoffed, quickly approaching Jaebum and grabbing his shoulders. "What the fuck happened? Is it really all for Mark? You'll forget him in a week," he whispered as Jaebum shoved his hands off of his shoulders. 

"Someone fucking died," Jaebum spat, watching Robert back away. "A fucking college kid, I received the news from someone who works with Kim Yugyeom. The poor guy relapsed," he shoved Robert's chest with every phrase he said, steadily pushing him towards the door. "He was addicted, he had a prescription that wasn't enough, and Mark is going to blame himself for this."

"This has happened countless times with Aaron, and he has had no problem-"

"It has _never_ happened to me. I'm here to make money, not to kill someone with their whole life ahead of them. You could've done a better job at hiding the fact that you were stealing _my_ money and giving it to Aaron, by the way. You never annoyed me so much that I wanted to fire you, and the money didn't mean that much, but if you thought I was that fucking stupid then why'd you keep working for me?" 

"H-how'd you..." Robert asked, shocked. 

"It's not hard to see transactions that I haven't done by myself, dumbass. Besides, did I ever believe that you cared for our customers like I did? Did you ever exhibit anything other than Aaron's ideals?"

"I still worked hard for you-"

"You fetched the keys to my car and bought a couple of cigarettes."

Robert pressed his lips together in anger, looking to the side before jabbing Jaebum in the chest. 

"Do this. I dare you. I'll burn the place to the fucking ground," he seethed, and Jaebum simply turned around, signing the papers necessary to get rid of the company. He looked up at Robert's shocked face, raising his eyebrows. 

"Good, I did it. Get the fuck out of my office."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um ok the ending was KINDA confusing but basically jb is selling his entire drug business because of jinyoung. remember that jb's whole ideology was to decrease drug-related deaths (while still making bank lol) and when he heard what happened to jy he was like 'o hell no'
> 
> and robert has been a snake this whole-ass time and was working for/funding aaron (the ceo whose company jb left bc they didn't care about their buyers overdosing, explained in chapter 7 kinda) 
> 
> and robert is mentally unstable as FUCk but you'll see more of that in chapter 13 which will be the final chapter (excluding chapter 14, which will be the epilogue)


	12. 1.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackson thinks about the future moving on from the incident and the measures he must take to get revenge. he begins making preparations to let jinyoung go as peacefully as he can, recalling memories of the early days of their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THIS CHAPTER T H R E E TIMES SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY I NEVER CLICK "PREVIEW" OR "SAVE" BEFORE CLOSING THE WINDOW 
> 
> I CRIED WHILE WRITING THIS 
> 
> SO I CRIED THREE SEPERATE TIMES
> 
> IT WAS TORTURE THANK GOD THIS DIDNT HAPPEN DURING CHAPTER 10 
> 
> UGH im so emo i wrote this to cancer by mcr ANYWAYS

"I'm gonna kill them," Jackson panted, hands pulling at his hair. "Whoever it is, I'll kill them."

"Calm down," Youngjae murmured as he rubbed Jackson's back. The older man was sitting against the hospital wall, breathing heavily as he sobbed into the still air.

"They took Jinyoung away from me," he seethed. His vision was clouded in angry red, his body shaking so hard he couldn't stand up. 

"He has a chance," Youngjae insisted, feeling his heart sink at Jackson's doubt as he watched the police chief shake his head. Jackson knew Jinyoung better than anyone, and if Jackson thought that Jinyoung wouldn't make it, then maybe it was the truth. 

"No matter what, even if he turns out okay, who's to say it wouldn't happen again? I need to stop it once and for all."

They stayed silent for a long time. Youngjae sat still and listened to Jackson's shuddering cries, repressed only by his hands clamped tightly over his mouth. The clock read 12:30AM, and Yugyeom and Bambam were asleep in an armchair in Jinyoung's room, faces still red and puffy. They were waiting for any indication of Jinyoung's fate, but Jackson's expectations were indication enough to Youngjae. He stood up, giving a gentle pat to Jackson's back as he walked to Bambam and Yugyeom, quietly waking them to take them back to the dorm. 

There was no way they'd make it out of this unscathed. 

-

_When the morning comes, will I wake up?_

_If everything goes as it was supposed to, will you ever be the same?_

_I just want to hear your voice_

_A quiet melody_

_As you hold me in your arms._

_Please make it easier for me._

_Just for now._

_Tonight I'm not the strongest._

_I need you more than ever._

_Until I fall asleep, just be here._

_Stay with me._

_Please, Jackson, stay with me._

-J.Y.

It was 4AM. Yugyeom, Youngjae, and Bambam were gone. The sun began to peek through the cloudy sky. It was the beginning of the second day. The 48-hour mark is when the doctors start to discuss pulling the plug, in the case of cardiac arrest, at least. It made Jackson sick to remember the phone call he had to make to Jinyoung's parents. He tried to block out the quiver in his mom's voice as she told his father to buy plane tickets. Jackson looked at his boyfriend, heart skipping a beat just like the first time, and any other time after that. Nothing, _nothing_ would change that. 

Jinyoung was no match for a place like this. He was beautiful, and so full of vibrancy, and overflowing with love. The contrast was almost painful as the cold, bland technology of the hospital washed him out, features sunken in and unchanging. Slowly, Jackson took his hand, and got into the bed with him as carefully as he could, avoiding the tubes and wires that were keeping him alive. He rested his head on the top of Jinyoung's, and just lay there, listening to steady beeping. 

Park Jinyoung's mind could persevere through anything. But his heart was another story. There were so many things that it couldn't handle. That was why Jackson was preparing himself to let go. He could cry as if he were a thunderstorm, expelling all the pain he felt through loud wails. But it wasn't the time. Then, Jinyoung deserved peace. All he deserved to ever feel was calm. Jackson held on to his hand tighter, his tears falling without sound, only difficult breaths. 

"Jinyoungie..." he whispered. "I really don't ever want to see you go. God, I just hope you aren't suffering. That you weren't too hard on yourself. That you know how much I love you. I'll live for the both of us, it's okay. You're all right."

He stared at the beige ceiling before his eyes moved to Jinyoung's closed ones, nuzzling his face into Jinyoung's hair as more tears abruptly fell. Then, it was like a stab to the chest. Memories rushed back to him, old feelings resurfacing. 

They suddenly years younger, lying in a soccer field at the end of one summer. Jinyoung was next to him, their heads pressed comfortably together. The hospital ceiling was no longer there, it was replaced by the incredible starry sky of that night. The bed was the warm, soft, grass, and the only sounds heard were chirping crickets. They were talking about how lucky they were to have been together. How there was nobody else they'd rather be next to in life. How the worst thing that could possibly happen to them was one cheating on the other. Jackson's pinky twitched as he recalled the subsequent pinky promise they made, Jinyoung giggling as Jackson pouted. 

He inhaled slowly, pressing his eyes closed tighter, chest burning where Jinyoung's head then came to rest, and lips aching where a kiss was later placed. They were happy, and carefree, and unknowing. It was just a couple of weeks before they were off to a new city, before Jinyoung began college and Jackson was to transfer to a different police academy. Before they finally got to live together and decorate their apartment the way they liked it, with their bed by the balcony doors and two chairs at the table and ten picture frames on the walls. 

Jackson would give anything for it to be that way again. 

"I'm always going to be yours, Jinyoung. I'm going to miss you so much, but I'll be there soon, so just wait for me."  

They're still in that field. In that beautiful time, enamored with their shared love. They're laying together with every star shining just for them.

_I'll leave you there, before we knew anything else. That is where I'll let you go._

Love had two sides. Love was cruel. Once something beloved was taken away, the void it left was unimaginable. Jackson loved Jinyoung with his entire being, and he couldn't bring himself to think about how the upcoming years would be for him. He sobbed harder, bringing his arm up to hug Jinyoung, holding on as if he were a child. Hope was a crescendo. It held, and got stronger, and kept holding on, but Jackson knew it'd just end, over as soon as it began. Suddenly and without warning, it would be gone. Why would he expect anything else in a world that gave him everything before quickly taking it away?

That was how his life would go. 

That was how each day would be for him. 

And it was time for it all to end after surviving so long.

But not just yet. It held out a little longer, sang on a little stronger, it persisted against all odds. 

It was quieter than expected, actually. It was almost inaudible, and it was muffled and slurred. 

"Jack...Jackson," came a quiet wheeze. "my t-tube..."

Jackson's eyes snapped open, expecting it to only be his hopeless mind playing tricks. But Jinyoung's eyes were looking back at him, though they were only halfway open. Jackson quickly recoiled his arms, shuffling off of the bed and scanning all over Jinyoung's body, looking at his wet hair matted to his forehead, to his drowsy eyes and slowly rising chest. 

"Jinyoung. Are...are you all right?" He whispered, and if Jinyoung had the energy, he'd roll his eyes. Jackson quickly reached over him, grabbing the call button and pressing several times. Jinyoung raised an arm slowly to stop him, but Jackson took Jinyoung's hand into his, feeling the freedom to cry as loudly as he wanted. "I really thought we were done for, Jinyoungie."

Jackson burst into louder tears as he held Jinyoung's hand, listening to the footsteps of the quickly approaching nurses and doctors in the distance. Jinyoung brought his other hand to rest on Jackson's head, feeling his boyfriend's body racking with sobs.

"I love you," Jinyoung managed to say through the tubes, looking down at Jackson. 

"I love you too. So, so much. I didn't knew you had it in you," he looked up with a tearful smile, feeling pity upon seeing Jinyoung in that state. "I'd love to make you laugh, if it weren't for that stupid breathing tube."  

"It kept me alive," Jinyoung rasped. "Make me laugh later."

"Okay. Let's get better soon, all right?" Jackson asked as he backed away, glancing over at the technicians rushing into the room. 

"Will do."

_I did it. I stayed alive for you. You better have all the tortilla chips in the world waiting for me at home, you adorable idiot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WAS TOO MUCH OF A WEENIE
> 
> I COULDNT KILL HIM I JUST COULDNT 
> 
> this was lowkey garbage but im trying to work on my self-esteem so like
> 
> it was garbàgé
> 
> fancy garbage
> 
> sorry for making u wait so long to receive this SLOP in return LMAO ok bye


	13. 1.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a couple weeks have passed. jaebum finds himself in serious trouble after robert reveals his true colors. His actions and the arrival of the police put an end to the sale of the drugs for good, and jaebum and mark have a reunion while jaebum tries hard to feign his innocence. 
> 
> jinyoung has been discharged from the hospital, but jackson makes it a point to take care of him each day. he is attending therapy sessions and reaches out to his friends when jackson isn't around.
> 
> !!! SOME CONTEXT IN NOTES !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ NOTES FOR CONTEXT:
> 
> this chapter includes both storylines because it's the final chapter! an epilogue will be posted and then maybe some 'deleted scenes' i guess bc i wrote some stuff that i decided to omit last minute haha
> 
> this is after a couple weeks have passed and everyone who was working for jaebum was let go, but mark never like went back or anything, only bambam and yugyeom went back to finish their work. remember this is due to the decision made in chapter 11!
> 
> so enjoy this chapter and though it my seem outlandish and sudden this is what my solution was to the fact that the storylines were starting to fade in together lol

Jaebum stared up into disturbed eyes, fear coursing through his veins. He hadn't seen Robert that way before, and only recent behaviors have held any indication of the situation they were both currently in. Robert's loud breaths brushed over his face as the man waited for Jaebum to apologize. Jaebum wasn't going to, but the knife that Robert held so precariously was doing a damn good job of trying to convince him. 

"C'mon, Jaebum, tell me you fucking regret this?"

Jaebum looked around a little bit before answering. He glanced over at all the papers and files he had packed into boxes, the only furniture left in the office being the desk and chair he sat at. There was a godawful smell in the office. Someone needed to check that out, only there was nobody left but the two of them. It was so like him, to feel so preoccupied with such things in that situation. His life was being threatened, but in his disbelief he seemed to exude incredible confidence, which he secretly feared would anger Robert further. 

"I can't say that I do," Jaebum said finally, despite the uncertainty he felt. It was a strange type of standoff, Jaebum would've never guessed that he'd be held hostage by Robert himself. 

"Right, well, I'll give you some time. I have a woman I've been seeing from Hawaii. Go ahead and send some money her way so I can just fuck off already."

"None for your wife?" Jaebum casually inquired as he entered his bank account information into his phone. Robert stopped pacing around the office to sigh angrily at the snide remark. 

"Now's not the time for your dumbass jokes, I don't need to pretend to like them anymore. If you must know, Martha's better off without it. She could die in a hole for all I care."

"I didn't ask for that much, Robert," Jaebum whispered, glancing toward the man quickly as he opened up his text messages. 

_i know what you said a couple of weeks ago, and im sorry for all that happened. something really bad is going on here. just in case i never get the opportunity to say it, i'm in love with you and you should know that. wish we would've done more together._

He finished the transaction, placing the phone back in his pocket and watching as Robert made his way towards him, motioning for him to stand up. 

"So, what'll it be?" Jaebum asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked at the knife in Robert's hand. "What next?" 

Robert was about to respond, but through the top floor window came red and blue lights, flashing into the office as sirens sounded loudly, making their ears ring. Jaebum whipped his head around to see several police cars rush down the street, and began planning for the next course of action before remembering it was only him and Robert in the building. He turned back around only to see Robert quickly put the knife to his own neck, slicing across the skin there. 

Jaebum's eyes widened as he watched Robert fall to his knees, a waterfall of his blood covering Jaebum from his neck to his legs. He was frozen, watching Robert weakly grab a paper from the floor and pull a lighter out of his pocket. 

Jaebum gasped, dropping to his knees and grabbing Robert's shoulders roughly. That smell from before had been gasoline. Jaebum began yelling as his employee lit the paper, throwing it to the floor, the surrounding area igniting with flames. The man who had worked under him for so long, who had purported himself as a sane and loyal person, who had implied himself as someone Jaebum could trust, was dying right in front of him. Despite what Robert had done, despite the immaculate façade he'd conspired, despite the absence of any penitence, something inside of Jaebum knew there would be no getting over seeing his abrupt decline, no getting over his death, no getting over what could have been. 

"Why'd you do it? The whole fucking place, Robert?" He screamed, looking into closing eyes as Robert gurgled out an answer. The office was unrecognizable, changed into a wild inferno. "You were a friend before this."

"Yeah. The whole place. F-fuck you," he muttered, collapsing onto Jaebum, who stood up instantly, blood all over him as Robert's body rolled away from him at his feet. 

"Some great last words, you annoying bastard," Jaebum gasped out as he removed his blazer and placed it over his body, looking around the office. "Thank you. Dumbass." He began coughing from the smoke, using his hand to fan it away. His wooden desk had been engulfed with flames by the time he could tell what it even was. "Fuck, my Grand Palais! Goddamn!" He shouted as he stepped over Robert, toward the door. 

Jaebum covered his face with his sleeve, watching the flames spread down the hallway as he ran to find a staircase to make his escape. 

_No way am I gonna die because of that psycho idiot._

_-_

Mark looked at his phone after finishing breakfast at the dorm, hands starting to shake as he read the message. He quickly typed out a series of replies as he stumbled over the rug to get to his bedroom to change clothes. Ignoring the confused questions of the other boys, he quickly grabbed the keys to the Lincoln, much to Yugyeom's annoyance. 

Even if everything happened the way it did, even if Mark didn't want to be a part of that world, he knew Jaebum would always be a part of his, and he'd be a fool to let it go. When he was in the car, he realized that he hadn't even brought his glasses. There was no time as he drove straight to the nightclub, thinking over the texts he sent, wondering if they were able to suffice as the possible last words of his Jaebum would receive. 

_Is everything okay?_

_Jaebum what's happening_

_Jaebum_

_I love you_

_I know it came so soon last time I said it, I thought that was gonna be the last time we saw each other_

_I know it's still too soon but I'm so fucking scared that I may not see you again_

_I'm coming please just be okay_

-

Jaebum slowly rolled out of the first-floor window, screaming as his hand touched the red-hot broken glass. He fell and began coughing immediately in the face of fresh air. He looked around for a split second before a police officer shoved him into the wall of the building. 

"What the fuck kind of operation were you running here?" He screamed into his face, further disorienting him. "Robert Breslaw, we've been receiving reports that you have contributed to the possession and distribution of several schedule I and II drugs. Do you have anything to fucking _say_ for yourself?" The police officer's partners approached him, trying to calm him down, but he only grabbed Jaebum's collar, bringing him closer to his face. "What kind of shit have you sold here? The love of my life almost _died_ because of this place, and you better tell me everything that you know or so help me I'll kill you right here." 

Jaebum felt Robert's blood dripping and drying on his face as the police officer tightened his grip on his collar, nearly choking him. 

"That's not me. My name is Im Jaebum. I...don't know anything. I heard there was a- a fire or something, so I went to help, but it spread too quickly. There's a man in there, but he- he's dead now, he seemed to have been-"

An explosion then occurred where his office was, the flaming debris landing around them and startling everyone outside. The police officer let go of Jaebum, quickly leading him to safety. Jaebum stared at the fire, watching as burning files and documents fell, turning into small black shrivels upon reaching the ground. That was what he had built his living on. The documents showing all the things he'd done were destroyed, insinuating his innocence in that whole mess. It was bittersweet as he watched what world he knew burn up right in front of him, making no attempt to salvage any of it.

An ambulance shortly arrived, as well as a firetruck. Jaebum sat in the back of the ambulance, answering the questions presented in any way that didn't compromise him, all the while confused. Why did they think he was Robert? Why did they suspect Robert first off? He knew that asking his questions would put him in serious trouble, so he kept them to himself.

-

Mark trudged slowly towards the nightclub, feeling his knees almost start to give out at the sight of it all. The nightclub was empty of all people, as it had been for a couple of days, according to Bambam. However, it was alive once again with bright, angry flames spilling through the broken doors and windows, engulfing the city block in clouds of black smoke. The firetruck was at work on one section of the building while the other stayed brightly illuminated with fire. Over the loud sirens, Mark heard a raspy voice giving answers to what sounded like a disgruntled police officer before being reminded of the reason he was there.   
  
Jaebum. 

Mark picked up his pace, stumbling as he got to the front doors despite the surrounding cops. Suddenly, someone grabbed him from behind, and Mark turned to see Jaebum, gasping as he saw the blood, hands flying to the sides of Jaebum's face. 

"J-Jaebum," Mark choked out, tears filling his eyes. "oh my  _God_ , y-"

"It's not mine," he whispered, pulling Mark into his arms, rubbing his back. "it's not mine."

"Who- what happened? I'm so f-fucking sorry."

"Robert. He did all of this this. But, Mark, you can't tell anyone, okay? We don't know him. I'll tell you everything later, just trust me."

"Okay, I'm so sorry for what I did, I needed to distance myself from this place. But now it's all gone, and t-there's nothing, and and I'm so sor-"

"I wanted it gone. I just wanted you here," Jaebum muttered into Mark's hair, holding him closer. 

"But not like this," Mark cried. "It's _all_ gone, your business..."

"Mark, quiet. I'm a fucking _criminal_ , there's cops everywhere. You don't know this place, alright? You don't know about anything that happened here. I've done this before, so just follow my lead."

The police chief walked over to them, eyes widening as he saw Mark.   
  
"Hello," he said as he ended a phone call. Mark's shocked eyes darted towards Jaebum before looking back at him. 

"Jackson- er, Officer Wang..."

"Jackson's fine, how do you know this man?" Mark hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say in fear of giving Jaebum away.   
  
"He's Im Jaebum. He's my...m-my boyfriend," Mark's voice fell to a whisper as he felt his ears heat up. 

"Alright, I got off the phone with a few people, and turns out the building and business belonged to Mr. Breslaw, who has been correctly identified as the body recovered from the scene. Now, Mark, I know you haven't been involved here, but since your boyfriend here witnessed it, we just need to review some things as well as treat him, so if you would come my way."

Jaebum and Mark trailed behind him slowly, Jaebum's hand falling into Mark's almost immediately. 

"I like the sound of that," he whispered. "Your boyfriend." Mark looked up into eyes that seemed so devoid of direction and hope, into a bloody, distressed face, squeezing his hand tighter. 

"Me too." He reached up to move a strand of hair out of Jaebum's eyes as the younger nodded. "We'll restart together, alright?"

"Alright."

-

" _Jinyoungie, another day free, another rose from me_!" Jackson sang loudly, bursting in through the door with a rose held tightly in his hand. Jinyoung sprang up from his position on the yoga mat, groaning as Jackson shoved the rose into the giant vase on the counter, which was already stuffed with other roses.

"Get me money instead. We don't even know how to take care of roses," Jinyoung grumbled on his way to kiss Jackson. 

"Tell me again how you want to raise actual children?" Jackson shot back, raising an eyebrow as Jinyoung laughed. 

"Dr. Ross told me to remove any stress from my life, and you're the most stressful person ever." At that statement, Jackson's mouth dropped open as Jinyoung laughed louder. "Kidding, you're the only therapy I need."

"I won't be for long if you keep up that cheesy- and problematic- shit."

"Shut up." Jinyoung pouted as Jackson smiled brightly, taking the younger boy into his arms. 

"I love you. I know I tell you often. But you're so strong, and I will always believe in you."

"I...I love you too," Jinyoung breathed, tears filling his eyes, Jackson's hand stroking his hair. 

"I know what the doctor said, that your thoughts might not be alright for a while, so I think that every day I should just remind you. Just...how amazing you are."

Jinyoung's mind flashed over the visits to his therapist, how he was warned of the impending suicidal thoughts he'd have. He would be lying if he said he didn't experience them, but it would be an injustice to say that they were so monumental when Jackson was around. 

Jackson made everything feel okay. Even if Jinyoung knew that it was a long road ahead of him, that it would take so much for everything to be alright again, he would always have Jackson with him at the end of the day. For someone so unflappable, so open and extravagant, he was incredibly gentle when it came to Jinyoung. He knew to be earnest and reliable despite his lighthearted nature, it was a combination that worked so well with Jinyoung, and the younger couldn't ask for more. 

His lips parted, his intention to say _'I hope we stay together forever_ ' being caught in his throat before he decided on saying nothing because he knew that they already would. Absentmindedly, he touched the ring on his finger, still in Jackson's arms. 

"This is a long hug. But I'm not complaining," Jinyoung murmured, face squished by Jackson's shoulder.

"Every day. I wanna hold you as long as I can every day." 

"I'm...sorry." Jinyoung realized that he never got to apologize for what had happened, for all the pain he caused Jackson. It must've just torn him apart, and Jinyoung noticed that in the way Jackson took extra time saying goodbye, often showing up to work late. Jackson would be hesitant to leave Jinyoung, and took him along to the store or the bank. It was almost like Jackson was scared of looking away from Jinyoung, always looking at him as long as he could in fear that it would be the last time, just to remember his face in the case that anything happened again. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be. Just be happy."

 "I am."

"Then I am, too."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im emo lol writing this fic gave me such an intense love for jinson i was always a hoe for markbum and sure i enjoyed jinson but like...now im all teary-eyed over anything they do HAHAHA
> 
> sooooo this chapter 
> 
> when robert becomes an important character?? hahaha
> 
> jaebum's probably gonna be fucked up for a long time after this but thanks to robert's arson, he won't be arrested for running a drug business because well...everything got burnt lol
> 
> also it was a rly weird bipolar reaction he had to robert's death lol "thank u. dumbass" like same


	14. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (got)7 years into the future, career and life changes have been made. here is a lighthearted look into what happened after the end of jaebum's business. 
> 
> (this is a lot brighter than the rest of the story lol)
> 
> also (not mentioned in this chapter) jinyoung and youngjae completed grad school and they're rich as hell communications executives for their respective corporate companies so fuck ANYONE who tells u that u can't get anywhere with an English degree (even tho i'm gonna be a neuro major lol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh the bittersweet end! good because it's a happy ending, but sad because it was a pretty fun story! to be honest, i'm unhappy with where this ended up, as it really faded away from my original intention, which was to make it a lot more crime-y and stuff but!! it is what it is! and what became of it was some weird-ass anti-drug PSA but also it did show points where at some point or another, the characters showed how dedicated they were to those most important to them!! 
> 
> also if you're reading this like 12 years after i posted the fic, don't be afraid to comment lol i WILL reply

"Jinsoo, come here!" Jinyoung said, an excited smile on his face as he watched the baby crawl around on the wooden floors before resting into Jinyoung's outstretched arms. "Ah, gotcha!" Jinyoung laughed, closing his eyes and listening to Jinsoo's shrieks of laughter.

This is where he was the happiest. Nothing could ever go wrong, as long as Jinsoo and Jackson were there with him. Not after he had even more to live for. This adorable ball of happiness and- more realistically, poop- was in his hands and in his heart. Jinsoo was his entire life, and the thought of how much Jinyoung loved his son was enough to bring tears to his eyes. He was glad that Jinsoo couldn't really understand human emotion yet, not wanting to cause him worry.

"It's almost time for daddy to come home!" Jinyoung whispered, grasping Jinsoo's tiny hand into his own as he peeked at the clock, sniffling and blinking back his joyful tears. "You excited to feed him all the yummy food we made?" He rocked Jinsoo gently in his arms as he heard the doorknob click. Jinyoung turned to see Jackson arriving, taking his hat off as he opened his arms wide. Jinyoung smiled and greeted Jackson, putting the child into his hands. He didn't think he could feel happier, but as he saw Jackson enter he could feel it grow inside his chest, comforting him all the more.

"Hi, I missed you," Jackson said after kissing Jinyoung, slightly bouncing the infant in his arms. "Ah, you know, he really does have your nose. He has my hairline, though, and thank god for that."

"He's adopted, Jackson," Jinyoung chuckled, covering his mouth with his hand to repress his giggles. 

"Shh, are we even planning on telling him that once he gets older?" Jackson asked as he quickly looked up from the baby.

"I...think he'll figure it out on his own. You know, was it even a good idea to get you a child? I feel like you're not ready," Jinyoung laughed, quieting down as he saw that Jinsoo had started to drift off in Jackson's arms despite being full of energy the entire day in Jinyoung's care.

"I'd say I'm ready," Jackson quietly murmured as he admired Jinsoo's cute sleeping face. "Especially with you here," he turned his head, looking into Jinyoung's eyes as he smiled cheesily. Jinyoung blushed, not being able to resist placing a loving kiss on Jackson's nose. Just then, a loud scratching came at their front door, causing Jinyoung to jump up.

"What's that?" He asked, a frantic tone in his voice.

"Oh, shit, I thought I told him to stay in the squad car..." Jackson muttered, rushing to put Jinsoo safely in his crib before returning to his puzzled husband. "I, uh...got a new police partner." He scratched the back of his head as he strolled to the door, carefully opening it and turning to Jinyoung with a big smile. "Meet Comet, he'll help me out a lot from now on."

Jinyoung watched with his mouth open as a K9 entered the apartment wearing a small police hat. Comet approached Jinyoung, sniffing carefully before nuzzling his face against his shin. Jinyoung, still shocked, bent down to pet him, looking up at Jackson.

"This stupid hat was your idea, wasn't it?" He watched as Comet put his head on the floor, removing the hat with his paw. 

"Hey, it's cute! I bought him food and so many other things! A bed! A litterbox!"

"Jackson, he's a  _dog_."

"I was playing around, I'm not that dumb," Jackson laughed, sitting down to pet Comet.

"I know you're not," Jinyoung responded. He sat down on the floor next to Jackson, resting his head on his shoulder as they played with the dog. "Hey. I love you."

"I love you too."

  
—

"And that's where we are for the week. Sandra just called to get her appointment rescheduled so it really balances out the work for these past few days," Jaebum said, walking from the courtyard into the building with Mark by his side. Jaebum greeted Bambam at the front desk as the pair strolled into Jaebum's office, adorned with several award certificates and Columbia diplomas, both his and Mark's. Psychology and Neuroscience, respectively.  

Quietly, Jaebum reached down to pick up his planner as Mark admired him, walking up to hug him from behind. This was Jaebum's beautiful idea of a fresh start, one that he needed to build up immense courage to begin. There were things that wouldn't be replaced, and a novelty that couldn't be replicated from the past. But that was how it needed to be. 

"I'm proud of you," Mark murmured, face resting against Jaebum's grey blazer. He felt Jaebum's warm fingers wrap around his hand as the younger chuckled.

"You tell me every day," Jaebum replied and Mark smiled. Mark said it every day, but he meant it entirely, each time. "It's been a couple years since I started this place up."

"Still. I'm always gonna be proud."

Jaebum smiled wider, turning Mark around to sit on the desk, placing tender kisses on his lips.

"I was able to do it for only one reason. Because you were there. Because I love you," Jaebum whispered and Mark blushed, wrapping his arms around him.

"I love you t-"

"What the fuck?" Jaebum suddenly exclaimed. "Sandra changed her appointment to  _today_? At 4:30? That's in less than an hour!" 

With his lips pursed and eyes still closed in anticipation of a kiss, Mark froze. Opening his eyes, he sighed as Jaebum grabbed the sticky note that he had just spotted, generously written by Youngjae and stuck to one of his books.

"Here we go again," Mark muttered as Jaebum quickly left to the lobby.

"Choi Youngjae!" Jaebum shouted, watching him walk in with a bag of McDonald's in his hands. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Hey, that's all Bambam and Yugyeom! I just do document analysis! I was the only one with enough sense to inform you!" Youngjae yelled as he defended himself. Yugyeom got out of his office, a confused look on his face.

"I just do music therapy. Bambam's the receptionist!"

"Okay, diminish me all you want, but all I know is that Jaebum should at least keep track of his patients," Bambam muttered, taking the fries that Youngjae gave him. 

"That's...that's what I do by hiring you..." Jaebum sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We'll be ready for her, just send her inside my office when she gets here. You gonna get her files up, Mark?"

"Got it," Mark said, reaching over Bambam into a filing cabinet. 

"They're kind of insane," Yugyeom observed as Youngjae handed him a cheeseburger. 

"I really feel like they shouldn't have gotten the certification for this place," Bambam agreed.

"It beats selling drugs, though, right?" Youngjae questioned the two, and they nodded. Yugyeom took a sip of his drink before speaking as he watched Mark and Jaebum from the blurred glass in Jaebum's office door. 

"Ah, I'll trust them here. They're doing all right. And we can see Mark. And Jaebum isn't a piece of shit asshole like he used to be, probably because he's not killing people."

"That reminds me, anyone down to babysit Jinsoo? I have a board meeting tonight, so I was thinking you two could stay with him. You know how Jackson and Jinyoung are with their weekly date nights. Take Mark, too, Jinsoo loves him."

"Were...you reminded of Jinsoo because Yugyeom brought up Jaebum indirectly killing Jinyoung?" Bambam scoffed, a smile spreading on his face as he avoided a chicken nugget that Youngjae threw at him. 

"Well, he was resuscitated, so it doesn't really count."

"Do...they even know that Jaebum and Mark were the ones behind that whole fiasco?" Bambam questioned, raising his eyebrow. 

"Y'know, let's not dig much into it. The four of them go on double dates sometimes, I'm sure it's been brought up," Youngjae concluded to Bambam's suspicion.

"It definitely hasn't," Bambam sighed and Youngjae nodded in agreement. 

"Well, just leave it. The seven of us are weird enough alrea-"

"Oh no. Oh god, oh no," Yugyeom muttered, drawing the attention of the other two. They followed his glazed over eyes to look through the blurry windows of Jaebum's office. They watched as the two grey and navy blue blobs merged together, the navy blue of Mark's blazer suddenly being taken off and thrown to the floor. "What are they _doing?_  She's coming in like twenty minutes!"

"Oh my fucking-" Youngjae shuddered as the two of them moved toward Jaebum's desk.

"Guys, no!" Bambam shrieked. All three of them turned to the main door of the building as the doorknob rattled. 

"...Sandra!" Youngjae greeted as the client walked in, glancing at Yugyeom and Bambam's terrified eyes. "Dr. Im will be right with you, he...he's taking an important call, so if you'd just follow me to the waiting room? Yugyeom, go get him."

"Why me?" He grumbled under his breath, watching as Youngjae led Sandra down the hallway. Bambam sighed in sympathy for his friend, squinting as Yugyeom went to open the office door. 

"When will they ever learn?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please friendos if you enjoyed this work, stay with me! i have lots of other markbum in planning, and a jinson oneshot! most of them have a lot to do with psychological conditions or trauma, because that's what i like the most! but there's some fluff if that's not your style. currently i have three other works out.
> 
> i loved all your comments, they really kept me happy and motivated <3 
> 
> FSFSDD there's always the "deleted scenes" (some drama, some more markbum smut, u know it) for this work that i can still post but IM SO SAD haha and im still posting other stuff but idk i'll miss those of you who won't be back for the other stuff, but those of you who will stick along for the ride, then buckle up be safe ily (HSHAH what am i even saying)


End file.
